There has always been a section of the cereal aisle I have never dared to go. A section dominated solely by the most evil cereals, cereals forged by the spoon of Satan himself. Now I have never been a superstitious individual, I own a black cat, I step on cracks, and I have repeated the name Tyler Perry three times which I’ve been told makes Tyler Perry release another atrocious movie (maybe I should stop that just in case). But some taboos you just don’t violate (like this one), better safe than sorry. Here are some examples:
1. Never feed a Mogwai after midnight,
2. Never step on a butterfly if you end up traveling back in time
3. Never marry Barbara Streisand, and
4. Never mess with the occult before lunch
So I was quite shocked to find these cacodemomaniacal cereals possessing my cupboard. “Dare I dabble in the black breakfast arts?” After realizing I’m a habitually unemployed drunk and that breakfast for me is around 1pm, I might just be in a gray area for dabbling in the occult before breakfast. After deciding to have breakfast with Beelzebub, came a strenuous choice: “Which diabetes-promoting demon should I sell my soul to just like thousands of sausage-fingered obese children do every day?” Of course, having seen many Twilight Zones, Outer Limits, Tales From The Crypt, and Eddie Murphy films made in the last 10 years I knew I had to be cautious about selling my soul. So I decided to weigh my options.
Boo Berry is apparently a well dressed ghost a spiritual coxcomb if you will. Though the details of his untimely death have never been revealed he bears a slight resemblance to the original Lucky Charms Leprechaun known originally as “Sir Charms.” Also, Boo Berry’s pale blue complexion, similar to that of a bloated corpse suffering from alcoholic mal-absortion, suggests he was once a heavy drunk. Some say he’s the ghost of Bing Crosby but Boo Berry just seems too nice, I don’t recall him ever threatening to beat the crap out of children who don’t “shut up and eat the goddamn cereal.”
As far as I can tell the only occult powers Boo Berry has is the ability to look good flying around wearing a hat and no pants, which could actually come in handy for someone like me. Also blue is one of the darkest berries, beaten only by the blackberry which just doesn’t have a good enough publicist to get “cereal box fame.” Also Boo Berry and Franken Berry only come out around October when the powers of the occult are at their strongest. I’ll put him down as a maybe.
Franken Berry, born Franklin Charles Barrymore, was a slow child, both mentally and physically. At a young age he became fascinated with trains and would mill about the rail yard heedlessly exploring train cars because he had really bad parenting. One day an accident at the yard caused an explosion which caused shrapnel to lodge itself in Frank’s cranial area. Due to lazy doctors, a lack of health insurance, and sadistic parents, Frank was stuck living his life with metal pipes sticking out of his skull.
During his high school years he started to realize he was “different” and asked his folks if he could dress in pink. They felt he was already different enough and denied Frank his urge to do so. Years later, while bumming around San Francisco, he decided to dye his skin permanently pink to reflect his flamboyant lifestyle.
When 1971 rolled around, diversity was big and the children’s cereal division of General Mills was looking to put the first openly gay character on a cereal box and Frank was the ideal choice (They were beaten to the punch by a Wheaties box which featured Truman Capote).
Okay, so none of that was true. He’s pink and kind of looks like Al Franken, who’s evil deeds include fighting for national health care, benefits for Iraq war families, and anti-rape legislation, not very evil in my opinion. In fact, when Franken Berry was released the red dye used in it caused people’s poop to turn pink, it was dubbed “Franken Berry Stool” which I guess is one step in the direction of color coordinating your stool. He has no discernible powers and isn’t very evil. Definite no.
By far the most badass of the cartoon cereal demons, but was also the wussiest vampire in existence until Stephanie Myer started poorly scribbling books. Aside from sporting fangs and a foreign accent Chocula seems pretty benign. However, he is a Count, which means he may have power and influence.
Unfortunately, Count is a fairly ornery title in this day and age so the extent of his powers most likely ends with the ability to give you a civil service position. Also, his all brown outfit makes him look like the “UPS delivery man” of vampires which makes him considerably less suave than most other vampires excluding of course, Corey Haim.
It appears as if no one in this galery is quite evil enough for me to pledge allegiance to. If only there was a slightly more evil cereal out there… That is why I propose General Mills bring back this short lived cereal:
Well it was enjoyed by at least one family.
Headed for another liquid breakfast,