It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?”, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.
Today, we have two sword-crossed femme fatales going at it: Beatrix Kiddo, from the Kill Bill movies; and Jen Yu, from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It’s your typical East-Hemisphere/West-Hemisphere rivalry. Let’s see how they measure up:
|Full name: Beatrix Kiddo||Full name: Jen Yu
|As seen kicking ass in: Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2||As seen kicking ass in: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon|
|Trained by: Pai Mei||Trained by: Jade Fox, Wudang manual|
|Wields: Hattori Hanzo swords||Wields: Green Destiny|
|Main Advantage: Long resume of murder (experience)||Main Advantage: Wire-fu (near-flight mobility)|
|Fights For: Revenge||Fights for: Freedom from societal norms|
The case for Beatrix Kiddo
Beatrix Kiddo is a bad ass. How bad ass? When she went to get married, the people closest to her – the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad – showed up and beat her within an inch of her life. These were her friends. Instead of a thank you card most of us would send after a wedding, she decides to hunt them all down and thank them personally. By killing them. To give you perspective on this, I use a luffa when I shower.
Beatrix went off one summer to be trained by the second cousin of ZZ Top, Pai Mei. But this was no ordinary summer camp she went to. At Camp Pai Mei, Beatrix learned valuable skills like bringing water up ridiculously large flights of stairs, punching through a board 3 inches from her, and the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Everything a young girl needs to eventually get cold, hard revenge on the man in her life that will eventually betray her. Sadly, Camp Pai Mei has been closed indefinitely due to snake-related issues.
And lastly, Beatrix is typically armed with a Hattori Hanzo sword. These are the swords that are claimed to be able to cut God, should he stand in your way. Given how Beatrix was using them in the Kill Bill movies, I’m not inclined to argue the point.
Most notable battle (vs. Crazy 88s):
This was a battle so bloody and so violent, that they needed to make it black and white so as to not lose their “R” rating in the movie theaters. And need I remind you that killing an army of people was just a warm up for Beatrix? She then goes and “takes a little off the top” of O-Ren Ishii, one of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, as quickly and easily as you or I would pick up milk from the grocery store. Come to think of it, I’d love to see what Beatrix’s to-do list looks like on a day-to-day basis.
The case for Jen Yu
Jen Yu is not quite the bad ass that Beatrix is. She comes from a life of privilege, being the daughter of a prominent governor, and is arranged to be married, to which she’s not happy. Jen decides to channel her daddy issues by training under Jade Fox, a woman who’s hell bent on getting back at Wudang martial artists for not training her and uses deadly poisons. We all rebel against our parents in our own way, I guess.
Jade Fox taught Jen Yu what she knew of the Wudang martial arts having seen only the pictures in a Wudang manual she stole. Thankfully, Jen Yu then takes her master’s manual and actually reading it and is able to further her skill and ability to the point where she can throw down with even the best of warriors. Jade Fox’s descendants, on the other hand, went on to found the DeVry School of Martial Arts.
Jen Yu wields the Green Destiny. If any sword was to stand up to Hattori Hanzo sword, it’s this one. Li Mu-Bai himself said that “Too many men have died at its edge. It may look pure… , but only because blood washes so easily from its blade.” How many men? About 400 years worth of men, which is how old the sword was. And that was in 1778, when the movie took place. With compound interest and inflation, we’re looking at least 3,000+ years of man slaying by today’s standards.
Most notable battle (vs. Shu-Lien):
In this fight, Jen Yu (the masked thief) is stealing the Green Destiny, and is pursued by Shu-Lien. While Jen struggles in this hand-to-hand fight with Shu-Lien, it does showcase Jen’s main advantage over Beatrix: her near-flight mobility. Beatrix had a tough time leaping up one flight of stairs, and yet Jen is jumping around town like the world was made out of trampolines.
Oh, and for the record, Jen Yu totally wipes the floor with Shu-Lien in a later fight in the movie when wielding the Green Destiny (spoiler alert).
Place your bets
So who ya got? The Beatrix Kiddo, or Jen Yu? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.