It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?”, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.

Militaries these days haven’t been getting their exercise. Oh sure, there’s the war on terror and you hear of little skirmishes here and there. But full-on all-out conventional warfare between two established and powerful militaries has been kept to a minimum lately. So to keep their forces battle-ready, we’ve organized a little war game between the Autobots and the G.I. Joes.

Let’s see how they measure up:

Squad:The Autobots	Squad:G.I. Joes
From: Cybertron	From: Various locations, but all from Earth
Led by: Optimus Prime	Led by: Hawk
Squad members:approx 61, not counting Dinobots, Junkions and a lot of other obscure Autobots listed on Wikipedia (list)	Squad members: Approx 200 featured (list)

The case for Autobots

First off, and this shouldn’t be understated, the Autobots are freaking robots. And not the kinds of robots that can barely climb stairs, the kind of robots that stand 100 feet tall and are strapped with giant lasers. Oh, and they probably have lightning fast reflexes and are efficiently deadly because that’s what robots do. Thank goodness the Autobots might feel something close to remorse, but I think they’re only programmed to do it after combat.

And I feel like I’m stating the obvious again here, but not only are the Autobots robots, they’re robots from space. Do you have any idea the resources and the technology we expend putting a man on the moon? No? Well, they just landed an army here from Cybertron without breaking a sweat (note: robots can’t sweat). Our astronomers haven’t even found Cybertron yet. I should know, I’ve been trying. Point is, they have some serious technology and we can’t fully predict what it the Autobots are capable of.

Lastly, the Autobots can transform and roll out. More specifically, they can turn into common vehicles that, under the right conditions, would be incredibly difficult to detect, giving them the element of surprise. Would the Joes honestly start shooting at every big rig in the hopes of eventually getting Optimus Prime? Or how about every sports car? Or ambulance? Nope, didn’t think so.

Pictured above: an Autobot.

The case for Joes

The G.I. Joes know, and knowing’s half the battle. What do they know? Everything. When not doing PSAs to instruct kids on not talking to strangers or looking both ways before crossing the street, they’re out thwarting COBRA at every turn. Say what you what, but I believe the only way they’re success rate is so high is their ability to get some top notch intel on their foes and how to stop them. This same intelligence gathering will help level the playing field again the Autobots.

Secondly, humans are resilient little bastards. In the entire history of humans vs. anything, when the humans are on their home turf, humans are the ones that win. Aliens from space? We’ll blow them out of the sky. Some menacing threat from another dimension’s threatening to destroy Earth? Scientists will develop something to. But what about a lot of zombie movies where humans are really screwed at the end? Those humans were woefully unprepared. The Joes have enough fire- and manpower to slay the zombie invasion and still take on the Autobots. Remember, half the battle’s already won for them in most situations.

Speaking of firepower, anyone else realize that the Autobots, scary as they are, are just giant computers? That means these robotic invaders should be susceptible to electromagnetic pulses, effectively taking them out according to science, Wikipedia and Don Cheadle from Oceans’ Eleven. A few well-placed EMP blasts should turn the Autobots into giant paperweights.

“What are we gonna do with all this scrap?”

Place your bets

So who ya got? Autobots or G.I. Joes? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

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