The most popular sport in America versus the most popular sport in the world – it’s an age-old point of contention depending on which side of the drink you’re on.

The comparison below takes empirical data and draws clear distinctions between the two sports that share a name. Which do you like better?

Militaries these days haven’t been getting their exercise. Oh sure, there’s the war on terror and you hear of little skirmishes here and there. But full-on all-out conventional warfare between two established and powerful militaries has been kept to a minimum lately. So to keep their forces battle-ready, we’ve organized a little war game between the Autobots and the G.I. Joes.

Let’s see how they measure up:

Squad:The Autobots	Squad:G.I. Joes
From: Cybertron	From: Various locations, but all from Earth
Led by: Optimus Prime	Led by: Hawk
Squad members:approx 61, not counting Dinobots, Junkions and a lot of other obscure Autobots listed on Wikipedia (list)	Squad members: Approx 200 featured (list)

The case for Autobots

First off, and this shouldn’t be understated, the Autobots are freaking robots. And not the kinds of robots that can barely climb stairs, the kind of robots that stand 100 feet tall and are strapped with giant lasers. Oh, and they probably have lightning fast reflexes and are efficiently deadly because that’s what robots do. Thank goodness the Autobots might feel something close to remorse, but I think they’re only programmed to do it after combat.

And I feel like I’m stating the obvious again here, but not only are the Autobots robots, they’re robots from space. Do you have any idea the resources and the technology we expend putting a man on the moon? No? Well, they just landed an army here from Cybertron without breaking a sweat (note: robots can’t sweat). Our astronomers haven’t even found Cybertron yet. I should know, I’ve been trying. Point is, they have some serious technology and we can’t fully predict what it the Autobots are capable of.

Lastly, the Autobots can transform and roll out. More specifically, they can turn into common vehicles that, under the right conditions, would be incredibly difficult to detect, giving them the element of surprise. Would the Joes honestly start shooting at every big rig in the hopes of eventually getting Optimus Prime? Or how about every sports car? Or ambulance? Nope, didn’t think so.

Pictured above: an Autobot.

The case for Joes

The G.I. Joes know, and knowing’s half the battle. What do they know? Everything. When not doing PSAs to instruct kids on not talking to strangers or looking both ways before crossing the street, they’re out thwarting COBRA at every turn. Say what you what, but I believe the only way they’re success rate is so high is their ability to get some top notch intel on their foes and how to stop them. This same intelligence gathering will help level the playing field again the Autobots.

Secondly, humans are resilient little bastards. In the entire history of humans vs. anything, when the humans are on their home turf, humans are the ones that win. Aliens from space? We’ll blow them out of the sky. Some menacing threat from another dimension’s threatening to destroy Earth? Scientists will develop something to. But what about a lot of zombie movies where humans are really screwed at the end? Those humans were woefully unprepared. The Joes have enough fire- and manpower to slay the zombie invasion and still take on the Autobots. Remember, half the battle’s already won for them in most situations.

Speaking of firepower, anyone else realize that the Autobots, scary as they are, are just giant computers? That means these robotic invaders should be susceptible to electromagnetic pulses, effectively taking them out according to science, Wikipedia and Don Cheadle from Oceans’ Eleven. A few well-placed EMP blasts should turn the Autobots into giant paperweights.

“What are we gonna do with all this scrap?”

Place your bets

So who ya got? Autobots or G.I. Joes? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

Seeing as these two theatrical titans of the supernatural will fighting for top billing this summer, why not explore how they’d fare in a fight? I’m talking, of course, of Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling’s boy wonder wizard) versus Edward Cullen (Stephenie Meyer’s angsty anti-hero vampire). Who

Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for Harry Potter

Harry is a powerful wizard attending Hogwarts. His curriculum consisted of learning various spells and enchantments which included, but certainly wasn’t limited to, making things explode and turn to stone with mere words. All you and I got to learn at his age was stupid subjects like History and Algebra. Thanks, normal schools, for totally dropping the ball on that one. Jerks.

Harry also consistently fought with and eventually defeated Lord Voldemort. If you don’t know who Voldemort is imagine your school’s bully. Got him in your head? He’s a few years ahead of you in school, right? Now turn him into Darth Vader without the respiratory problems and make him hell bent on conquering the world. Oh, and give him an incredible desire to kill you (because somehow he thinks you’d get in the way his plans). Who else just crapped their pants?

Other than his usual wand, Harry also had a potent arsenal at his disposal. Being a great Quiddich player, he was handy riding a flying broom. Homoerotic double entendre aside, this means that he can rain death down upon little Edward casting spells from high up. Harry also had invisibility cloak, so that arial death could be more stealthy than most fighter jets currently in existence. I’m not saying Harry could take down most organized air forces by himself, I’m just implying it really, really strongly.

Harry’s target practice

The case for Edward Cullen

Edward is a vampire (or Vampire-American, if you’re being politically correct). In addition to the normal vampire-y abilities you’d expect like fangs and blood sucking, Edward has superhuman strength and speed. He’s reputed to be one of the fastest vampires in his clan, able to outrun his other kinsmen. Couple his strength and speed with his ability to read the minds of humans – allowing him to know what Harry’s thinking in the middle of a fight – and Edward is a force to be reckoned with.

Edward is a bit older than Harry, so he’s got the experience angle. Though he looks like the 6th ‘N Sync member, he was born in 1901. He’s lived through the Great Depression, 2 World Wars, several non-world wars, economic hardships and every other economic, political, or natural calamity from the last century. Granted he took no part in any of it but he was there, you know? That’s got to count for something, right?

Ok, if his experience isn’t going amount to much he is immune to sunlight, one stereotypical bane of vampires. That fact alone should be terrifying. It’s like saying that those tree giants in the Lord of the Rings weren’t flammable. Instead of bursting into flames, Edward’s skin sparkles in the sun. So depending on the weather, Harry could either be fighting a superhuman vampire or a superhuman disco ball with appendages. Neither of which will be much fun for Harry.

Edward Cullen on a sunny day. Scarier than it should be.
[picture not to scale]

Place your bets

So who ya got? Harry or Edward? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?“, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.

Today, we’ve pitted Iceman (of X-men fame) versus Sub-Zero (Mortal Kombat). Which of these cold-blooded, cold-bodied killers would win in a fight? Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for Iceman

The case for Iceman is pretty straight-forward: he was an X-man. In a world full of people that could explode your head with just a thought, he was part of the elite team that (albeit secretly) kept the tentative peace between man and mutant. This is the kind of thing that looks good on a resume.

And while at Xavier’s school of total awesomeness, Bobby’s had all the best training facilities. Lessons from other x-men have given him superb hand-to-hand fighting skills. And then there’s the Danger Room, which seems to want to kill mutants at an alarming rate. If he can survive multiple training sessions in this thing, what can’t he face?

And this speaks nothing of his powers. He’s got the ability to greatly reduce the thermal energy of things around him. Over the years, he’s went from covering his body snow, to nowadays converting his body to organic ice. Which he can regenerate, if parts of him shatter off. That seems pretty familiar… Oh shiiiiiiii-

Ok, but imagine the T1000 was made of ice instead

The case for Sub-Zero

Sub-Zero’s ice powers, which he possesses as a descendant of a cryomancer bloodline, isn’t really going to do much to a man made entirely of ice. Ninja powers however are an entirely different matter. If there are any holes to Iceman’s abilities, expect Sub-Zero to ram a few ninja stars/swords/fists through them.

Sub-Zero, as it turns out, isn’t one ninja but rather two. Shortly after the first Mortal Kombat game, according to the storyline, Sub-Zero had his spine ripped out by rival ninja, Scorpion. Having checked WebMD, it turns out spine severing is usually fatal. All other games feature the younger brother of Sub-Zero, while the older brother eventually comes back as an undead wraith, Noob Saibot. So really, Sub-Zero is actually a 2-fer – like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson, if Mary-Kate was an undead monstrosity.

Lastly, While Sub-Zero may be significantly older than Iceman, a fierce regiment of wielding ice scepters, kori blades, and entering regular fight-to-the-death tournaments have kept this ninja’s abilities as sharp as ever. Age can’t touch him. Sub-Zero is the Jack LaLanne of ninjas.

FINISH HIM!

Place your bets

So who ya got? Iceman, or Sub-Zero? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

Today, we have two sword-crossed femme fatales going at it: Beatrix Kiddo, from the Kill Bill movies; and Jen Yu, from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. It’s your typical East-Hemisphere/West-Hemisphere rivalry. Let’s see how they measure up:

Full name: Beatrix Kiddo	Full name: Jen Yu
As seen kicking ass in: Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2	As seen kicking ass in: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Trained by: Pai Mei	Trained by: Jade Fox, Wudang manual
Wields: Hattori Hanzo swords	Wields: Green Destiny
Main Advantage: Long resume of murder (experience)	Main Advantage: Wire-fu (near-flight mobility)
Fights For: Revenge	Fights for: Freedom from societal norms

The case for Beatrix Kiddo

Beatrix Kiddo is a bad ass. How bad ass? When she went to get married, the people closest to her – the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad – showed up and beat her within an inch of her life. These were her friends. Instead of a thank you card most of us would send after a wedding, she decides to hunt them all down and thank them personally. By killing them. To give you perspective on this, I use a luffa when I shower.

Beatrix went off one summer to be trained by the second cousin of ZZ Top, Pai Mei. But this was no ordinary summer camp she went to. At Camp Pai Mei, Beatrix learned valuable skills like bringing water up ridiculously large flights of stairs, punching through a board 3 inches from her, and the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. Everything a young girl needs to eventually get cold, hard revenge on the man in her life that will eventually betray her. Sadly, Camp Pai Mei has been closed indefinitely due to snake-related issues.

And lastly, Beatrix is typically armed with a Hattori Hanzo sword. These are the swords that are claimed to be able to cut God, should he stand in your way. Given how Beatrix was using them in the Kill Bill movies, I’m not inclined to argue the point.

Most notable battle (vs. Crazy 88s):

This was a battle so bloody and so violent, that they needed to make it black and white so as to not lose their “R” rating in the movie theaters. And need I remind you that killing an army of people was just a warm up for Beatrix? She then goes and “takes a little off the top” of O-Ren Ishii, one of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, as quickly and easily as you or I would pick up milk from the grocery store. Come to think of it, I’d love to see what Beatrix’s to-do list looks like on a day-to-day basis.

The case for Jen Yu

Jen Yu is not quite the bad ass that Beatrix is. She comes from a life of privilege, being the daughter of a prominent governor, and is arranged to be married, to which she’s not happy. Jen decides to channel her daddy issues by training under Jade Fox, a woman who’s hell bent on getting back at Wudang martial artists for not training her and uses deadly poisons. We all rebel against our parents in our own way, I guess.

Jade Fox taught Jen Yu what she knew of the Wudang martial arts having seen only the pictures in a Wudang manual she stole. Thankfully, Jen Yu then takes her master’s manual and actually reading it and is able to further her skill and ability to the point where she can throw down with even the best of warriors. Jade Fox’s descendants, on the other hand, went on to found the DeVry School of Martial Arts.

Jen Yu wields the Green Destiny. If any sword was to stand up to Hattori Hanzo sword, it’s this one. Li Mu-Bai himself said that “Too many men have died at its edge. It may look pure… , but only because blood washes so easily from its blade.” How many men? About 400 years worth of men, which is how old the sword was. And that was in 1778, when the movie took place. With compound interest and inflation, we’re looking at least 3,000+ years of man slaying by today’s standards.

Most notable battle (vs. Shu-Lien):

In this fight, Jen Yu (the masked thief) is stealing the Green Destiny, and is pursued by Shu-Lien. While Jen struggles in this hand-to-hand fight with Shu-Lien, it does showcase Jen’s main advantage over Beatrix: her near-flight mobility. Beatrix had a tough time leaping up one flight of stairs, and yet Jen is jumping around town like the world was made out of trampolines.

Oh, and for the record, Jen Yu totally wipes the floor with Shu-Lien in a later fight in the movie when wielding the Green Destiny (spoiler alert).


Place your bets

So who ya got? The Beatrix Kiddo, or Jen Yu? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

Today, we are pitting two literal giants of the food industry against one another: The Jolly Green Giant and The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. As we all know, size matters. But seeing as these are both fictitious characters, no one really mentions how big they are so we have to assume they are the same size. Who will be king of this food pyramid?

Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for the Jolly Green Giant

The Jolly Green Giant has wisdom and experience on the giant marshmallow, being almost 60 years older than him. He’s lived through the Great Depression, World War 2, and The Cold War and come out the other end of it just fine. This lifetime of experience has probably taught him a thing or two on how to defeat an angry sugary treat.

They say two heads are better than one. While I’m not sure if this applies to vegetable-based people, the Jolly Green Giant does have an ally in the Little Green Sprout, his much smaller, human-sized, sidekick. The Robin to his Batman, The Little Green Sprout likely will be ignored, allowing him to come through for the Jolly Green Giant in a pinch or assist the Giant out in any plans he hatches.

Won’t somebody think of the children? Think back to when you were a kid. Did you want to eat broccoli, or marshmallows? Now imagine there are kids at this fight they’re doing this at a school or maybe the Little Green Sprout brought them there. The Stay Puft Marshmallow man is going to be destroyed faster than those Nazi’s from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Now imagine this was done by kids on a sugar high.

The case for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

The first and most obvious advantage for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is that Mr. Stay Puft’s body is made entirely of marshmallow. Have you ever tried to punch a marshmallow? Besides looking like an idiot, you’re pretty ineffective as most marshmallows just squish and eventually regain shape. In a direct fist fight, the Green Giant can’t win.

And speaking of durability, this guy was able to take a few blasts from the Ghostbuster’s proton packs. What did it do? Set him on fire and pissed him off. As a point of reference, most people ask for some kind anesthesia for moderate dental work. This marshmallow is bad ass.

Lastly, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man has a pretty low IQ. Why is this a good thing? Because he isn’t able to think during a fight. He doesn’t have to think about what or who he’s hurting when he’s demolishing buildings and ruining city. He only has room in his mind for one thought: kill. And this makes him deadly.

Look into the cold, steely eyes of a killer.

Place your bets

So who ya got? The Jolly Green Giant, or The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.

It is the one question men have pondered throughout the ages… who would win in a fight? In this feature, “Who ya got?“, we take two people – fictional characters, historical figures, athletes, celebrities, etc. – and pit them against one another for your entertainment. We’re thoughtful like that.

Today, we are pitting two of the biggest nerds to have come out of the 80′s: Screech from Saved By The Bell; and Urkel from Family Matters. These loveable misfits aren’t exactly the fighting type, to be sure, but that’s not going to stop us here. Going into this battle, a few assumptions have been made. First, we’re assuming that both combatants are equally socially awkward and equally super smart. Also, it’s a pretty safe bet that direct physical combat between the two will not only be useless, but frigging hilarious.

Let’s see how they measure up:

The case for Screech

Screech’s main advantage is that he has strength in numbers. Screech has more friends, true friends, than Urkel. Sure, Urkel kept bugging the Winslows, but he pissed them off more than anything. The only time the Winslows would help out Steve is if he was in mortal danger or super depressed. And even then, you get the sense the Winslows only helped him out because they thought a dead or depressed Urkel would somehow drive down their house’s value.

So why are these friends relevant? Because they’re the cast of Saved By the Bell. Regardless of the situation, or the hardships they faced, they almost always were able to resolve it in 30 minutes. Big rivalry with another school? 30 minutes. Jesse’s drug abuse? In 30 minutes she was fully recovered and it was like it never happened. I bet if they were put into the movie Armageddon, they’d avert the meteor in 30 minutes to hilarious and heartwarming results. The only thing this group couldn’t fix was the inevitable: graduation and crappy spinoffs.

Screech also was hit by lightning once, which gave him the ability to see into the future. With this god-like ability he used it primarily to… study for tests (he is a nerd, after all). This ability would be devastating in an actual fight, being able to know what the enemy will do before he does. Now, like all episodes, everything returns to normal by the end, and another “accident” takes his abilities at the end of the episode. But I just think that’s what Screech wants you to think. If he could see the future, he could have seen the “accident” coming from a mile away and avoided it. Wouldn’t you?

Ok, even if you don’t believe all that future-seeing mumbo jumbo he was pretty adept at hiding, usually in lockers, away from bullies and other people out to get him. Urkel can’t hit what he can’t find. That has to count for something, right?

Can you find Screech in this crowd? Neither will Urkel.

The case for Urkel

While not having the posse that Screech does, Urkel has the technological advantage. His inventions generally lend themselves better to combat than Screech’s. He built a teleporter, which he used to travel to France, so theoretically he’d be much more mobile than Screech. He built an Urkel bot which later on served in the police force. If that thing can collar criminals, you better believe a scrawny little nerd from Bayside isn’t going to take it out. And how many otherwise harmless inventions did Urkel produce that later went haywire and blew a hole in the Winslow’s house? This nerd’s got a penchant for destruction.

The greatest of his inventions, as far as this battle is concerned, was the DNA Transformation chamber. With it, he could alter his DNA (with the help of his “Cool Juice”) and turn into Stefan Urquelle, a cooler version of Steve Urkel. I’m sure Stefan could throw an adequate punch on his own… but imagine if Urkel used something other than cool juice – say, a concentrated version of whatever Barry Bonds has allegedly been using. You’re looking at a potential nerdborn Cloverfield monster.

Of course, we still haven’t covered Urkel’s ace-in-the-hole: The Urkel Dance. It’s a dance so hypnotic and stupefying it can render enemies useless and *gasp*even break the ice and get the ladies and the gentlemen out on the dance floor. With his enemy effectively neutralized, any one of Urkel’s wacky inventions could do the job and win the fight. Behold, the power of The Urkel Dance:

WARNING: Watching this video will get “The Urkel” stuck in your head. That’s right, The Urkel. The Ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-urkel.

So who ya got? Samuel “Screech” Powers or Steven Q. Urkel? Let us know in the comments who you think would win and why.