Halloween rules! Free candy, hot girls dressing provocatively, and costume parties. Sometimes however, the costume parties suck, ugly girls trick you by dressing all hot, and neighbors give out the nastiest candy on Earth. So, because of that, here they are… the 11 “treats” you pray you don’t get this Halloween.

1. Goddamn Good & Plenty – What kid wants to put a piece of poisoned plastic in their mouth? Answer: none. Also, why name your candy “Good & Plenty” when most people think its gross and offensive?

source: elle.com

Who can resist the cuteness of our animal pals giving us a warm friendly hello morning greeting. Look at all these adorable babes just wanting to say hi and be a friendly neighbor. I wish there were more humans this cheerful in the morning. Maybe then we would have less hate, crime and war on this planet. Lets take a lesson from these guys and all give a friendly wave to anyone you pass today…see if it cheers them up and it just might cheer you up too.

What is “Fuck You” Money, you ask?  Fuck You Money (henceforth referred to as F.U.M.) is a certain level of wealth that basically allows you the ability to do whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want to, however you want to, for the rest of your life and then some – And if anybody has a problem with it, you can just say….

"Make us proud, son.."

You get the idea.  For the sake of argument, I will set my F.U.M amount at $1,000,000,000 USD.  Or, as The Sultan Of Brunei calls it, “Hooker Money”:

1. Scrooge McDuck-esque Money Pool:

Scroogy Mc-D making it "Hail"

Why a pool you say? Because a whole vault would just be douchy.  Also, I would probably need alot more money to fill a vault rather than a pool.

Maybe just an inflatable pool, come to think of it.

Either way, who hasn’t thought of having a SMD money pit at least once in their life?  I’m almost positive, that every time Duck Tales came on I thought to myself “Wow, I’d sure like to have me one of those money vault things to swim around in”.

Sure, it would be impractical. Sure, the sheer logistics of swimming through a sea of gold coins just doesn’t add up. Sure, coins are as filthy as a Greg Giraldo roast session (RIP G.G.).   I don’t care.

Look at this duck. LOOK AT HIM!!! He’s happier than a pig in shit. That’s the life, right there.

I absolutely love Johnny Rockets and have always wanted a playlist of there jukebox music. I searched and couldn’t find a good list so I sat down at the counter with a pad of paper and pen and wrote down everything they had in there. Here is a list for your listening pleasure.

Ain’t That A Shame – Fats Domino
Ain’t Too Proud to Beg – The Temptations
Ally Oop – Hollywood Argyles
At The Hop – Danny & The Juniors
Baby I Need Your Loving – The Four Tops
Baby Love – Diana Ross & The Supremes
Barbara Ann – The Beach Boys
Big Girls Don’t Cry – Frankie Valli
Book Of Love – The Monotones
Chantilly Lace – The Big Bopper
Chapel Of Love – The Dixie Cups
Cheeseburger In Paradise – Jimmy Buffett
Come Go With Me – The Del-Vikings
Cupid – Sam Cooke
Do Wah Diddy Diddy – Manfred Mann
Duke Of Earl – Gene Chandler
Everyday – Buddy Holly
Expressway To Your Heart – The Soul Survivors
Fun, Fun, Fun – The Beach Boys
Get Down Tonight – K C & The Sunshine Band
Go Go Go (Johnny B. Goode) – Chuck Berry
Happy Together – The Turtles
Hello Mary Lou – Ricky Nelson
He’s a Rebel – The Crystals
Hey Baby – Bruce Channel
Higher and Higher (Your Love Lifts Me Up) – Jackie Wilson
Hit The Road Jack – Ray Charles
I Can’t Get Next to You – The Temptations
I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch) – The Four Tops
I Heard It Through the Grapevine – Gladys Knight & The Pips
Jimmy Mack – Martha Reeves & The Vandellas
Joy To The World – Three Dog Night
La Bamba – Ritchie Valens
Leader Of The Pack – The Shangri-Las
Little Duece Coupe – The Beach Boys
Lollipop – The Chordettes
Louie Louie – The Kinks
Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffett
No Particular Place To – Chuck Berry
Oh What a Night – The Dells
One Fine Day – The Chiffons
Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag – James Brown
Rave On – Buddy Holly
Roll Over Beethoven – Chuck Berry
Saturday Night Fever – Bee Gees
Sh-Boom (Life Could Be A Dream) – The Chords
Some Kind of Wonderful – Grand Funk Railroad
Splish Splash – Bobby Darin
Take Good Care Of My Baby – Bobby Vee
Tell Him – The Exciters
Tequila – The Champs
The Loco-Motion – Little Eva
The Wanderer – Dion
Then He Kissed Me – The Crystals
Up on the Roof – The Drifters
Walk Like A Man – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
Walk, Don’t Run – The Ventures
Wild Thing – The Troggs
Will You Love Me Tomorrow – The Shirelles
Working My Way Back To You – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling – The Righteous Brothers

Let’s face it, any asshole with a MacBook, a mic, and an opinion can have a podcast At least I hope so, considering I’d like to have one. Seeing as how terrestrial radio is dying faster than Tom Hanks in Philadelphia, there is an influx of content to sift through out there on the interweb.  For you comedy radiophiles out there, it wont get any better than these 5. I assure you.

1. The Mike O’Meara Show

First off, Mike O’Meara is a radio LEGEND, as far as I’m concerned.  I’m from Ontario, Canada, and Mr. O’Meara has been a radio GOD to me for about 10 years now.After losing his job at CBS (It’s a brutal layoff), Mike took his co-horts Robb Spewak and Buzz Burbank along with him into the world of Internet Radio. Add a little latin flavor with Oscar Santana, and you have a solid hour of 4 dudes just shooting the shit.

2. The Adam Carolla Show

Get it on, got to get it on, no choice but to get it on – ManDate get it onnnnnnnn.  From the Man Show, to Love Line with Dr. Drew, to the underrated film “The Hammer”, Adam Carolla and his rants have made him one of the most powerful people in podcasting (is that an oxymoron?).  An hour and a half show daily, filled with news from Teresa Strasser (Who, by the way, would STILL be super hot, even if she wasnt ACTUALLY hot, which she is…) and the folicly impaired Bald Bryan on the drops.  And he swears like a motherfucker, which is always funny.

3. The Joe Rogan Experience

Watch your step! Joe Rogan just dropped some knowledge.  If there is still anyone out there that thinks Joe Rogan is “that Fear Factor dude” or “that UFC dude”, NEWSFLASH! He’s an established and talented stand-up comedian, and hosts the ultimate stoner podcast.  From thought provoking, to hilarious, to a Joey Diaz impression that is spot-on to giving a peek behind the curtain of the stand-up comedy world, The Joe Rogan Experience is as satisfying as its first sponsor, The Fleshlight. Uh…. Not that I would know…

4. Bill Burr’s The Monday Morning Podcast

You ever wake up on a Monday just flat out angry? So has Bill Burr.

A former writer on Chappelle’s Show, Bill Burr has been one of my favorite stand up comedians for a few years now. If you’re into angry dudes from Boston trying to keep their voice from flying into a rage, this podcast is for you. It’s just plain funny, and something to get me through a goddamn Monday.

5. The Big O and Dukes Podcast

Chad Dukes, Oscar Santana (also of The Mike O’Meara Show), and producer Drab T-Shirt have been working together for years, all over the U.S. In all honesty, I got into them via Oscar’s participation in The Mike O’Meara Show.  It’s 3 real, hilarious dudes just airing it out on the air. No topic is safe, including Oscar’s (and I qoute) “C” Girlfriend. You can guess what the “C” stands for. Video games, chicks, a little sports, pop culture, all the pre-requisite nerd bait. I’m all in.

Albert Einstein is man of great wisdom. Unfortunately his final words before his death were in German and the only person within earshot, his nurse, spoke only English and did not understand anything he said. Though we’ll never know his parting words, here is a list of the top ten memorable quotes from him.

Runner-up: What Would You Do?

Not quite as much of a game show as the others on this list but I felt it still needed mention. It was hosted by Marc Summers and his partner from Double Dare, Robin Marrella. The cool thing about this show was that anyone in the audience could be involved. It was filmed at Universal Studios in Florida. I always had dreams of being an audience member and jumping at the opportunity to eat a Twinkie with gravy or chug a glass of milk quicker than the other kid…all with the reward of smashing a pie in his face.

Prizes were awarded for some things but normally it was just a “What Would You Do?” shirt or water bottle. The best part about the Wall O’ Stuff at the end of the show was when they didn’t get a prize and got a pie or cream squirted in the face instead. Some of the awesome parts of the show were the Pie Coaster, Pie Roulette, the Pie Wash and who could forget the Pie Pod (1,2,3 or four pies?) always FOUR!!!! One of the best things was during the family contests when a spouse, parent or kid would take out their frustration on one another with a good pieing.

If smarts turn you on then you may want to check out a few of these brainy beauties. If you play your pieces correctly maybe she’ll have you mated in no time.

10.) Zehra Topel

Country: Turkey
FIDE Rating: 2132

9.) Zaida Hernandez

Country: Venezuela
FIDE Rating: 2046