Top Cultured » FUNNY

Just Try…

Oral Adams — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 12:41:49 +0000

Just try to have a bad morning after watching this video….I dare…no matter of fact, I triple-dog dare you. I think I’m going to watch this every single day as I brush my teeth. Not only will it ensure I get my allotted 2 minutes of dental hygiene in…it will produce a smile on my face.

15 Funny In-Cabin Flight Accouncements

Scotty Trigg — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 13:21:59 +0000

1. “I’m sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!”

2. “We’ll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. However, pushing the flight-attendant button will not turn your flight attendant on.”

3. “Welcome aboard Southwest, to operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

4. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

5. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

6. “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

7. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

8. “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

9. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

10. “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”

11. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

12. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal.”

13. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Which One Did It…Husband or Wife?

Oral Adams — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:09:26 +0000

A UFO Sighting Convincibility Over Time [Make Use Of]

The 10 Strangest Looking Actresses in Hollywood [Unreality]

Google Results For Various Phrases [XKCD]

14 essential items for any cross country trip [Guyism]

Ingenious Animator Boils Down ‘The Evil Dead’ to One Minute [Asylum]

5 Rules to Win Your March Madness Bracket [COED Magazine]

Forget Peak Oil, There’s A Denim Shortage [Fork Party]

2010 Douchebag Tournament Round 1 [Holy Taco]

Funny Meal Notes From the Wife [Uncoached]

6 Subtle Ways The News Media Disguises Bullshit As Fact [Cracked]

8 Things Guys Wear Out [Knuckles United]

The Jim Henson Character Breakdown [MadAtoms]

Drinks That Don’t Destroy Your Diet [LifeHacker]

Agassi & Sampras Get Heated at Charity Event

Scotty Trigg — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 12:28:06 +0000

Andre has written about Pete’s bad tipping habits in his book and from the looks of it Pete wasn’t to thrilled by his comments. Prior to a serve he decides to do a little impression of the old man and his famous pigeon-toed walk. Andre didn’t take to kindly to it and dives right into the poor tipping situation all over again. What follows is a very awkward “conversation” between the two of them and also includes a cheap shot by Pete. Keep in mind, this is all a a charity event. If you were wondering, Sampras won the match.

You Can’t Go Wrong With “Ho-Made”

Oral Adams — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 21:33:57 +0000

7 Mafia Badasses You Probably Haven’t Heard Of [Guyism]

Conan’s First Followee Cleans Up From Twitter Love [Asylum]

The Secret Of How Beckham Makes Women Swoon [COED Magazine]

Parkour + Beer Pong = WIN Video [Fork Party]

25 Animals Playing Sports [Holy Taco]

15 “Funny Old People” Moments [Uncoached]

Stop Eating Animals Except Bacon [Knuckles United]

A Gorgeous Gallery of the Best Princess Zelda Cosplayer in the World [Unreality]

The Case Against Capn’ Crunch Berries [SF Weekly]

The Greatest 9,331 Movies Of All Time [Salon]

100 Crazy Chip Flavors for National Potato Chip Day [Chicago Now]

Jedi Mind Tricks [Cracked]

5 Amazing Ice Hotels From Around the World [DJ Mick Online]

10 Annoying Habits of a Geeky Spouse [Wired]

What Does a Gay Monkey Say?

Evol Jess — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 15:54:49 +0000

Didn’t know monkeys even had a sexual preference. I pretty much figured they just ran around effing everything, but clearly, this monkey is into other dude monkeys and only other dude monkeys.

The Heavy Guide to Time Travel

K. Thor Jensen — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:15:17 +0000

So, you need to pass a history report and the only way to do this is to go back in time and kidnap a bunch of famous people, or you need to get the hell out of Dodge because you just watched a bunch of Libyans shoot up the crazy old man who is your only friend. Or maybe you just want to go back in time to amaze and seduce peasant girls with your iPhone. We’ve all been there. The only problem is coming up with a way to make it happen. Well, luckily for you, we here at Heavy have compiled a handy list of time travel methods, each with their various benefits and drawbacks, for you to peruse. Read more.

Smoking Is Not For The Multitasker

Oral Adams — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 21:03:15 +0000

25 Atomic Wedgies [Holy Taco]

Carrots Are Good For Your Soul [Fork Party]

Realty Check: Jumbo Jack With Cheese [A Hamburger Today]

Key Ingredients To McDonald’s Success [Meet The Boss]

Elmo Feels Up Aubrey O’Day [COED Magazine]

Top 10 Worst Airplane Passengers [Nile Guide]

Stuff White People Like #132 [SWPL]

Chuck Norris Turns 70: We Present a Norris Fact for Every Ass-Kicking Year [Asylum]

119 Broadcast Clichés in One Sentence [The Atlantic Wire]

This Guy Is Awesome [Uncoached]

6 Insane Coincidences You Won’t Believe Actually Happened [Cracked]

Aubrey O’Day Is Selling Milkshakes [Knuckles United]

30 Cool Mona Lisa Pictures

Oral Adams — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:09:52 +0000

The Black Sheep

Oral Adams — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 21:06:01 +0000

9 Comedy Movie Quotes That Need To Be Retired [Guyism]

Fighting Irish Protest Denny’s Potato Famine Ad [Asylum]

What Your Drink Says About You [COED Magazine]

Pringles Taking Their Flavors from the Ocean [Fork Party]

What Your Favorite Website Says About You [Holy Taco]

Katz Insurance Does Nothing For Anyone [Uncoached]

7 Celebrities Who Had Baddass Careers You Didn’t Know About [Cracked]

Lions QB Matthew Stafford Gets Hair Action, Even From Marisa Miller [Knuckles United]

Five Great Fist Pumps In Film [Gunaxin]

Classic Games Brought Back to Life on the iPhone [UGO]

8 Missing Dog Signs That Won’t Piss All Over Your Day [Next Round]

Will a Chihuahua Actually Eat Taco Bell? [Village Voice]

Top 10: Japanese Etiquette Mistakes [Ask Men]

15 Hottest Mother Daughter Combos in Show Business [PopCrunch]

5 Browsers and the Modes of Transportation They Resemble [College Humor]

Last Person on Earth–What Would You Do? [The Atlantic Wire]