The Most Annoying Inventions of the Past 20 Years

I'm sorry, your Tamagotchi has died

With rapid advances in technology over the past two decades, our ability to create useless and irritating garbage has increased exponentially. Here are some of the worst developments of the past 20 years.

Remember; people actually bought this stuff.

1) Tamagotchis – Hey, here’s a great idea. Let’s make a video game that you have to carry around everywhere you go. Oh, and you can never pause or turn it off. And it will double as a key chain for some reason.

SAVING GRACE: I’m pretty sure Tamagotchis had something to do with the emergence of Pokemon. That, and the fact that the fad was mercifully short lived, is enough for me to forgive the Tamagotchi. At least partially.

2) Big Mouth Billy Bass – I don’t even know what to say about this. What is this? First of all, no one would ever mount a fish on a board like a deer head because it would make your house smell like vagina. Second, I’m pretty sure the early models didn’t have an off button. Why does there seem to be a correlation between not being able to turn something off and how aggravating it is?

SAVING GRACE: We were lucky to get a  pretty catchy McDonald’s commercial out of this.

Blame this man for Auto-Tune

3) Ring-back tones – What am I, too poor to afford an FM radio? Oh man,  it’s so convenient that you have a ring back tone, because normally I would never get to hear this Top 40 song that comes on every station sixteen times a day. I think ring back tones were invented so that when you’re calling someone who sucks, you get distracted by the music and don’t want to kill yourself as much. Only it doesn’t work because then you start to associate your favorite songs with people you hate.

SAVING GRACE: Ring backs do offer you a unique call screening method. If you are calling someone you’ve just met, and they have a ring back tone, hang up and never call them again.

4) AutoTune – This had so much potential until rappers got a hold of it. Use it as an insurance policy during live shows, toss it into the occasional dance song, sure why not. Basing entire albums, though, off of an artist’s inability to sing is where I have a problem. Auto Tune kind of reminds me of the automated check out system at the grocery store. Sure, it’s a marvel of modern technology, but between the repair man, the supervisor, and the installation crew, you might as well just hire cashiers. There’s an analogy in there somewhere.

SAVING GRACE: Auto-Tune the News

He wants revenge for the puncture wound in his lip

5) MySpace – Have you ever been to a huge music festival, and in the midst of all the small time punk bands harassing you for gas money, you thought, “The only way this could be better is if an old man was trying to fondle my genitals”? If so, then MySpace might just be for you, because that’s exactly what happens when you spend time there. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, that’s not a fun feeling.

SAVING GRACE: There is endless fun to be had in making fun of morons who post weird pictures on their MySpace profiles.

6) Text messaging – Well, there goes my last excuse for not getting back to people immediately. Texting was the final nail in the coffin for anyone who enjoys their privacy. As if carrying a cell phone at all times wasn’t bad enough, now you are expected to be able to talk even in situations where normally you can’t talk. I give up. I can’t wait to be old so that no one expects me to know how to use technology.

SAVING GRACE: Texting is a great way to avoid voice to voice conversations. Once someone is engaged in a text exchange, they never seem to question why you don’t want to talk to them on the phone. Great for break ups.

7) Nextel Phones – I want to blame rappers for ruining these too, but to be honest, no one should have ever been using them to begin with. It’s like all the people who love to talk on speakerphone in public got together and invented a way to be even more disruptive. Now there is a convenient chirp that alerts everyone in the area every time you want to tell your girlfriend about the results of your HIV test.

SAVING GRACE: It was a great idea. I’m sure there are people out there who get great use out of these things, like construction workers and loggers, and…. Okay, maybe I just like the commercials.

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Okay, what did I miss?

And, hey, don’t forget the Saving Grace. Let’s be positive while making fun of things, okay?