Lord of the Rings fans have been waiting to be reunited with Middle Earth for the release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, as we venture back to the beginnings of the brilliant J.R.R. Tolkien’s treasured stories of mystical Elves, Dwarves, Goblin’s and of course the beloved Hobbits.

The countdown has begun as the release of The Hobbit is exactly a year away; it will adorn our screens on December 14 2012. This time we plunge our imaginations into the adventures of Bilbo Baggin’s, a hobbit who is on a quest to reclaim the Lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor from the fearsome dragon Smaug. Bilbo made his appearance in the LOTR trilogies as Frodo’s cousin who adopted him at the age of 21, he also taught the elvish language to Frodo and shared the same birthday with him, as well as long walking trips.

Through the amazing direction of Peter Jackson in the Fellowship of the Ring, we watch as Bilbo leaves the Shire on his one hundred and eleventh birthday and as he departs, he passes forth the Magic Ring and Bag’s End unto Frodo, J.R.R. Tolkien’s main character.

The Hobbit will have us explore the beginning when Bilbo was younger, to when he meets a creature that will change his life forever and takes hold of the “Precious Ring”. Many characters that we have come to love in the Lord of the Ring’s Trilogies will make a return and some will not, we will have to await this journey through a New Year, and four seasons before we will travel back in time upon the captivating voyage through Middle Earth once more.

It wasn’t until the creator of the movie Gremlins, Chris Columbus, conceived the idea from his loft from sounds of mice scurrying around making him feel uneasy, hence a screen play was born, one that was never meant to be turned into a film until Spielberg got his hands on it. The movie become an instant classic, surrounding Gizmo as the main character whose voice was that of Howie Mandel, the Canadian comedian, host and actor. The other well-known actor in the film was Corey Feldman as Pete Fountaine, who prior to Gremlins acted in commercials, therefore this role gave him early acting credentials within his youth.

Anyone who was raised in the 80′s would have found this movie to be a part of their collection and remains a movie classic till this day.

From Wikipedia:

The notion of gremlins was first conceived during World War II, when mechanical failures in aircraft were jokingly blamed on the small monsters. The term “gremlins” also entered popular culture as children’s author Roald Dahl published a book called The Gremlins in 1943, based on the mischievous creatures.^[3] (Walt Disney considered making a film of it. A Bugs Bunny cartoon of the era has him battling a gremlin on an airplane.) Joe Dante had read The Gremlins, and said that the book was of some influence on his film. In 1983, Dante publicly distanced his work from earlier films, explaining, “Our gremlins are somewhat different—they’re sort of green and they have big mouths and they smile a lot and they do incredibly, really nasty things to people and enjoy it all the while”.^[4][5]

So, you need to pass a history report and the only way to do this is to go back in time and kidnap a bunch of famous people, or you need to get the hell out of Dodge because you just watched a bunch of Libyans shoot up the crazy old man who is your only friend. Or maybe you just want to go back in time to amaze and seduce peasant girls with your iPhone. We’ve all been there. The only problem is coming up with a way to make it happen. Well, luckily for you, we here at Heavy have compiled a handy list of time travel methods, each with their various benefits and drawbacks, for you to peruse. Read more.

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1. Volverine

When Raimunda (Penelope Cruz) returns to her childhood village to clean the gravestones of her dead parents she discovers that the fire they died in wasn’t an accident. During her quest to find the killers Raimunda learns from her Aunt that she’s actually a government experiment with adamantium  claws. When Raimunda finds her husband attempting to molest her daughter the claws come out and rip him and her daughter to shreds. Code naming herself “Wolverine” which she pronounces as “Volverine” because of her hot accent she begins her bloody quest for vengeance.

2. Sisterhood Of The Traveling Mercenaries

In the VIP room of a Vegas strip club, four strippers find a pair of jeans that magically fits them despite their different sizes. Unfortunately strippers don’t wear full jeans so they decide to make them cut-off daisy dukes and when they are doing so they discover a handgun in the pocket that magically hits any target the wielder is thinking of. This coming of age (the age of death) story follows the strippers as they travel around assassinating third world dictators.

3. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Hit List

Nick is heartbroken and has confined himself to his room only conversing with his fellow band mates who happen to be hip and gay… Actually Nick is confined to a prison cell where he only converses with his fellow cellmates who have gay sex but will contend they are not gay. Norah is a crazy bitch who is turned on by murder and using cliché dialog clearly written in a boardroom by old, out of touch corporate folks who have no idea what young people are like. When Norah one day arrives for a conjugal with her latest murderer, she is surprised to find that Nick has murdered him in a brutal fashion. After some awesome nudity from Norah who is extremely developed for her age they discover a common interest in murdering the same people.  Norah helps Nick escape prison and they drive around New York in a kitschy hip retro car that no teenager would drive trading hit lists and killing as many hipsters as they can during this whimsical feel good bloodfest.

4. Last Lakehouse On The Left

After Keanu Reeves is raped and left for dead by a gang of tough guys who mistake him for an Asian transsexual he wants revenge. He soon discovers that the mailbox of his secluded lake house allows him to converse with Sandra Bullock… No wait, some chick that is way hotter.. Like Shannon Elizabeth.  Yeah, Shannon Elizabeth.  He employs her to send him weapons from the future to help get his revenge. Unfortunately it’s only two years in the future so the weapons are still pretty much the same. After googling Shannon Elizabeth, Keanu tries to hook up with her. Before he can though, the gang of thugs get stranded at his lake house where he proceeds to kick some ass and stab people with kitchen knives, burn them with hot irons, and everything else not considered torture by the republican party.

5. Runaway Murder-Bot

When military scientist Richard Gere falls in love with a hideous conniving beast (Julia Roberts) his work on creating murderous robots for the benefit of humanity is quickly derailed.  Roberts, tired of Gere spending all his time with the murder-bot, convinces Gere to bring his murder-bot to their wedding. While Gere is preparing to get married, Roberts frees the murder-bot which promptly goes on a killing spree. Can our hero (the murder-bot) stop this wedding and kill Julia Roberts and Richard Gere so they stop making movies? Let’s hope so.

6. Fried Green Tomatoes…. With Ninjas

When a group of unattractive women gather, much to the chagrin of the repressed local hicks, it’s about thirty minutes of boredom until one day they go antiquing and Jessica Tandy purchases a badass katana. Little do they know, that katana once belonged to the leader of a secret ninja clan and contains a secret that the ninjas will kill to acquire.  That secret?  A recipe for fried green tomatoes, that will summon an ancient Oni, capable of destroying the world! The ninjas descend upon the residence to the discover the women have found the recipe and are preparing to make it. Watch as the ninja help death along by taking out these old women one by one.

7. How To Loose A Limb In 10 Seconds

Matthew McConaughey is a terrible actor who likes keeping his life. Unfortunately for him, Kate Hudson’s character is the average moviegoer who happens to have a chainsaw. After McConaughey meets Hudson, takes off his shirt, and suggests watching “Fool’s Gold,” Hudson bravely eviscerates him with a chainsaw for the good of the people.  Surprisingly, McConaughey gives an excellent performance with a lot of laughs (he screams funny) and a lot of blood. This movie is the true meaning of serendipity!

If this article convinces just one Hollywood producer to insert a a chainsaw-wielding maniac into the next Hugh Grant/Julia Roberts film I’ve done my job.

- Dr. Intoxicated