Nearly a month after the downgrade to the US credit rating, the knee-jerk reactions seem to be over but the long-term effects are just starting to warm up. What is this going to mean for investing? For jobs? For inflation?

Will GDP growth be hampered? What does it mean for us to be “under observation”? Who’s observing us? What are they seeing?

Do any of these questions even make sense to you, let alone the answers? If you’re like most American’s you only understand a small portion of what has happened and how it will affect us all in the coming months and years. This graphic by our friends at Visible Technologies breaks it down in layman’s terms so we can truly have a grasp of the situation. Click to enlarge.

…and if you’re looking for something that might not require these, then check this out.

Click the gallery to view them all

"Make us proud, son.."

You get the idea.  For the sake of argument, I will set my F.U.M amount at $1,000,000,000 USD.  Or, as The Sultan Of Brunei calls it, “Hooker Money”:

1. Scrooge McDuck-esque Money Pool:

Scroogy Mc-D making it "Hail"

Why a pool you say? Because a whole vault would just be douchy.  Also, I would probably need alot more money to fill a vault rather than a pool.

Maybe just an inflatable pool, come to think of it.

Either way, who hasn’t thought of having a SMD money pit at least once in their life?  I’m almost positive, that every time Duck Tales came on I thought to myself “Wow, I’d sure like to have me one of those money vault things to swim around in”.

Sure, it would be impractical. Sure, the sheer logistics of swimming through a sea of gold coins just doesn’t add up. Sure, coins are as filthy as a Greg Giraldo roast session (RIP G.G.).   I don’t care.

Look at this duck. LOOK AT HIM!!! He’s happier than a pig in shit. That’s the life, right there.

2.  Live somewhere hot, in a Drug-Lord style Compound:

Living in a mansion is for suckers.  Living on an “estate” is fine for Whitey VonWhitecollar, but I want to live like a Columbian drug lord from a 1980′s action flick. Here are the essentials:

-  Make sure your pad is classified as a “compound”, it just sounds cooler.  BUT make sure its not a religious compound. Those people are just scary.  Gated, obviously.

- A gang of dudes in suits, rocking bad ass mustaches and packing AK-47′s.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, would make me feel safer.

- A hedge maze. Awesome.

- A “grato” style pool area, filled with scantily clad Latinas wearing those bikinis where the side straps went over their hips, looking like somebody gave them a melvin.

- A closet, nay – a walk in wardrobe hidden behind a bookshelf filled with linen suits and Panama Hats. Conveniently located adjacent to my walk in humidor and my white leather sandles.

- A helicopter. Absolutely, 100%, a MUST HAVE.

- A collection of the fastest, most obnoxious, sexiest cars you can find.

- A young Alyssa Milano locked in an empty room, as her father, John Matrix, hunts me down to save her and take his revenge on myself and my mustachio’d clan of goons.

…Wait… forget the last one.

3.  Make it Rain, whenever, and wherever possible. Especially at inopportune/inappropriate times:

So who's the "Fat" one and who's the "Lil" one?

Making it rain is now part of our culture, thanks to Fat Joe, Lil Wayne and, to a lesser extent, PacMan Jones.

While they do it for strippers (and in PacMan’s case, punch them bitches in the mouth if they try to pick it up off the ground… silly strippers), I want to do it for EVERYTHING.

As far as I know there is no law for how you hand cash over to a merchant in exchange for goods or services. And lets be frank, money is money, so who’s going to turn down $5,000 in cash at Sears for a new stove, even if it is flying around in the air while loud rap music is blaring?

Here are some examples of when I would bring the precipitation:

- Paying the pizza delivery guy

- Buying a car

- Paying off all my debts

- Paying a cab driver

- Loaning money to friends (Note: for this one I may elect to get one of those booths that have an air compressor attached to them and make them work for it)

- Giving money to homeless people. Add some excitement (…. what…. It’s not like they’re going to read this article anyway…)

- Basically any transaction over $100.00

The only drawback I can see is having to carry around large amounts of cash all the time. But I can just pay some dude to do that for me. And if anybody has a problem with it… Fuck you *makes it rain*

4.  Take big dent out of the “Fuck You” List:

Some people have a bucket list. You know, things they want to do before they’ve died.

Not me, oooooooh no, not me. I’ve got the “fuck you” list. A mental list of all the people in my life that I’ve not told to go fuck themselves for fear of burning bridges. Well, with F.U.M.  you can not only burn bridges to the ground, but you can piss on the ashes.

Highschool English teacher? Fuck you!

Bosses? Fuck them too!

General voices of authority? They can get fucked too! (Note: Unless said voice of authority has the authority to throw you in jail)

The potential is endless. And the best part is you can combine this with #3, and give them a “Fuck you!” followed by a thunderstorm of cash.  Then be out. That…simple.

5. Donate half of it to Stem Cell Research:

Because I’m not a total asshole, and because who really needs $1Billion anyway?  I’ll be happy with $500,000,000.   And I can give a big FUCK YOU! to a whole bunch of religious extremists in the process.

Its a win-win!

Follow Me On Twitter:

www.twitter.com/cadillacgooner

Debuting as a cow-licked Croesus in the comic books of a simpler time, perpetually pre-teen tycoon Richie Rich has enjoyed a career which has spanned television, film, animation, a brief super-hero career with his aged butler, softcore premium cable gay porn, a lot of time spent getting into all sorts of antics involving oversized gemstones and fat bundles of frog-green cash. Still, how much does the world really know about America’s favorite poor little rich boy? Follow along for the secrets of the strange life of Richie Rich. Read more here.

Click the gallery to view all photos

I’ve gone ahead and bolded out a few stellar points (facts?):

“No more bulky wallets! No more bulky wallets!”

Is that bulky wallet a pain in the back? Do you struggle to find your cards, ID and cash? What you need is the Slim Clip. The amazing new wallet that holds everything you need in less than 1/2 inch. Now go from bulky and fat to slim and compact. In your back or front pocket! Slim Clip is sleek and ultra-thin to compactly fit in your purse, bag or pocket. From credit cards to cash…you’ll always find it fast. The secret is the patented double-sided grip tight clip that simply holds up to 30 bills on one side and 6 credit cards on the other. And unlike leather wallets that stretch out so everything falls out, with Slip Clips special raised edges and locking clips you can shake all you want and nothing will ever fall out. Slim Clip is engineered from durable stainless-steel so matter what the abuse you’ll have a lifetime of use guaranteed. There’s nothing else like it.

“This is small, compact it fits in a pocket…I can carry it with me wherever could I go.”

“I like the Slim Clip a lot better. It’s smaller, it’s easier to get in and out of your pocket…(holding wallet) and this is just a pain in the butt…literally.”

In the front or the back, it’s always the perfect size wallet. Stop the pain in the back from bulky wallets and stop the searching for what you need. Order your Slim Clip that holds everything you need in less than 1/2 an inch with the incredible TV price of just $10. It comes with a lifetime replacement warranty, if it ever breaks or bends we’ll get you a new one, no questions asked. As a special bonus we’ll include this super bright key-chain light. To light door locks, read menus…and much more, yours free. But wait…because Slim Clip makes the best gift any time of year we’ll triple this entire offer free. Just pay a separate shipping and processing fee and get three Slim Clip and three key-chain lights, a $30 value, all for the low price of $10. Order now!

I don’t think the bulge in my pants is from my wallet, and even if it were, I highly doubt it would be giving me lower back pain. The only reason I struggle to find my cash is because I don’t gots any…not because of some intrinsic error in the ever so flawed wallet. This “amazing new wallet” is a money clip people…how dare you purport to be bringing us something new and engineered. This is like when I drop a Stouffer’s in the Pyrex dish, dash on a little salt and pepper and call it my patented Phadie Three-Cheese Lasagna.

“The secret”…I feel for the individual who considered this a secret, also the individual who feels “There’s nothing else like it.” The genius who wrote this ad must live in pre-Industrial Revolution  Romania. I would love to meet that guy. Even he would fall for my quarter from the nose trick. Ever since my nephew turned 4 I’ve lost my captive audience…this could bring my Zaney World o’ Magic show back into the spotlight.

Apparently this passes muster with the Will It Blend? guys, and you can drive over it repeatedly if you’d like. Good to know because I was planning on running my money through those conditions. My real question is this…and I know you’ve asked it yourselves, and not just about this product (I’m thinking Comfort Wipe)…who buys these? How do these things make money? It really amazes me.

Seems to me like this product was made for one person in mind…George Costanza:

There are easy ways to save money. But what about some unorthodox ways to make your dollar go farther? Ideas like how to clothe yourself by signing up for on-the-street credit-card promotions, how to get free meals every day by saying it’s your birthday, and how to carry an arsenal of fast food cups in your car for free refills wherever you travel.



Click here to read how getting stingy like a scoundrel will make you rich.

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