Dude is seriously funny, from trying to get free drinks posing as Kal Penn or pretending to be “that Indian guy from Community” I think the only Indian guy he hasn’t tried to pull off is Jack Donaghy’s assistant in 30 Rock or maybe CNN’s Sanjay Gupta (but I wouldn’t put that past him). By now everyone has seen Raaaaaaaandy, whom I for one, have to thank for the current map in my room that unfortunately is full of mostly white pins (FHBSDTMYD). I’ll bet you’ve even seen Ariz talking about emailing Kanye on behalf of his cousin on the Jimmy Kimmel show or on David Letterman where he talks about his personal trainer:
“She was like, Aziz, there’s this new study that came out it said that any food you eat after 11 O’clock PM goes straight to you belly so you got to cut out those late night meals. And I was like oh well, there’s another study I heard about that said if you have a lot of alcohol in your system and you eat a quesadilla at 3 in the morning it’s delicious.”
You probably saw him on Conan talking about the thread count of his sheets. And hopefully you’ve seen him talking, singing and dancing as R. Kelly on last week’s Jimmy Kimmel because I personally laughed my dick off at that shit. You’ve also most likely seen him on Parks and Recreation and in Funny People. But unless you follow him on Twitter (@azizansari) you may have missed some great moments. I’ve compiled some of the best here for your reading pleasure, just click the picture below to see them all (be sure to scroll down past the photo for a little hidden gem). You can find me over on the Twitterverse @HeesaPhadie.
For those of you who we’re following him that far back, there was also an 8 hour Twitter battle between Aziz and @jahrasta311 (apparently just a random bald San Diego Chargers fan, too had the Jets whomped ‘em, named Barrett) but unfortunately only Aziz’s tweets could be procured in full and a lot of @jahrasta311’s are lost in space (my guess is he deleted them because they sound to have been pretty racist) but from replies you can gather the gist of what transpired. This has got to be one of the longest, funniest, random (Hippo cum, Jawas, black people as Darth Vader?) Twitter wars I’ve ever seen…and it all started when Aziz had a little email problem:
If G-Mail messes up even a little bit, I getting FUCKING PISSED. Its a little unreasonable. But seriously, SEND MY FUCKING EMAIL G-MAIL! 1:05 PM Sep 16th, 2009 from web
@azizansari dude, you’re complaining about A FREE EMAIL SERVICE. maybe use some of your hollywood money to buy a real email account, turd.
@jahrasta311 Hey you jackass, I was joking and even said its unreasonable, so go fuck a bucket of dog shit, asshole.
@azizansari Oh sorry, didn’t mean to suggest that you should use a little of that money you have instead of crying like a bitch on twitter.
@jahrasta311 You are a clearly a fucking idiot if you don’t understand I was joking.
@azizansari Here’s a tip, don’t use the word “SERIOUSLY” when you’re joking. Parks and Recreation fucking sucks.
@jahrasta311 I hope 4 hippopotamus’ force you to blow them & they all cum on your face simultaneously & you choke on hippo cum & die.
@jahrasta311 Take the hippo dicks out of your mouth and look up sarcasm in the dictionary you unbelievably dumb asshole.
@jahrasta311 I don’t have time to drive to ‘SD’ to tell some bald tough guy I hope he’s forced to blow 4 hippos & chokes on hippo cum.
@jahrasta311 Youre the ONLY ONE of thousands who had this impression of me, is there a chance swallowing so much hippo cum made you dumber?
@jahrasta311 Well that’s strange, because everyone who didn’t have the veiny shaft of a hippo cock deep in their throat could Keith.
@jahrasta311 I called you Keith, a random white guy name just like you cleverly did to me with “Akbar.”
@jahrasta311 By the way, the previous use of the word cleverly was SARCASTIC, could you tell that by reading you dumb piece of shit?
@jahrasta311 Oh no! You called me Muhammad, my poor feelings!! What’s next? Are you gonna call me Raj? Anup? Ravi? Sandeep? Noooo! PLEASE!
@jahrasta311 I thought you said you couldn’t detect sarcasm over text you dumb shit! You disproved your own point! AHAHAHAHAH!
@jahrasta311 Also, I write most of the stuff I’ve done, you disproved yourself again! AHAHAHAH! YOU HAVE BEEN DESTROYED IN THIS ARGUMENT!!!!
@jahrasta311 Every pecker must seem tiny after all the huge hippo cocks you’ve had in your mouth! GO SUCK MORE HIPPOPOTAMUS COCK YOU IDIOT!
@azizansari I also think it’s ironic that you never replied to one of my positive tweets, yet now you have all this time on your hands.
@jahrasta311 You’re calling me a Jawa? The dudes from Star Wars? -> http://bit.ly/bvopN If that’s really the best you can do, this is over.
@azizansari Was that one over your head?
@jahrasta311 Yeah, I don’t see all the Tweet responses. Anyway, this has been fun. But you’ve been thoroughly destroyed. GOOD NIGHT!
@jahrasta311 To sum up, you didn’t say one clever thing and thousands of others had no problem understanding my intent. DESTROYED!
@azizansari It’s not night time. OHHHHHH YOU JUST DISPROVED YOURSELF. I WIN, YOU JUST GOT DESTROYED! I WIN THE ARGUMENT! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
@azizansari dude, do we have to open this back up? what “intent” did you have, other than complaining? sarcastic or not, you were whining.
@jahrasta311 YOU FUCKING IDIOT. THE WHOLE POINT IS ITS CLEARLY STUPID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AMAZING, FREE OF CHARGE TECHNOLOGY. YOU LOSE! DONE.
Finally you see things my way, “clearly stupid” Aziz RT @azizansari ITS CLEARLY STUPID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT AMAZING, FREE OF CHARGE TECHNOLOGY
@jahrasta311 YES THAT’S WHY ITS SARCASTIC! UGH, WHY DO I KEEP RESPONDING TO THESE, YOU’RE RIGHT, I AM AN IDIOT. UGH.
@jahrasta311 Being that I’m a comedian, one would assume I may joke around on occasion, so again – YOU LOSE, YOU BALD IDIOT.
@jahrasta311 I’m a bald idiot that lives in San Diego and can’t get the hippo cum off my bald head cause I suck so much hippo cock.
@jahrasta311 Try this to get the hippo cum off your bald head: http://bit.ly/Ph7BG
@jahrasta311 I actually have nothing against the bald folk. Did you also choose to be a dumb racist asshole? Or did that develop over time?
@jahrasta311 No need for the racism. Go back to your briliant Star Wars disses. A Jawa? What’s next, I have the balance of an AT-AT Walker?
@jahrasta311 I’m sorry I’m not as well versed in obscure racist Star Wars references. Do you call black dudes “Darth Vaders”?
@jahrasta311 Also the Jawas are hooded & have bright yellow eyes, who knows what their skin color is?? You’re racism doesn’t even add up.
@jahrasta311 If I was a racist like you & wanted to insult a brown dude, wouldn’t wookie or ewok be the obvious choice you fucking idiot?
@jahrasta311 By dull, you must mean “not racist” as in I don’t think like a “racist.” And couldn’t track how your racist mind works I guess.
@jahrasta311 I hope you burn your dick off trying to fuck your TV during the Jay Leno Show, you racist imbecile. I have to block you now.
@azizansari hahahaha, ruining your day is the most satisfying thing i’ve done in a while. thanks for playing along.
@jahrasta311 Ha! I actually enjoyed the war. I got to procrastinate work and shit on some racist idiot. SO YOU FAILED AGAIN! – 9:04 PM Sep 16th, 2009 from web in reply to jahrasta311
Don’t forget to grab his new special “Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening“, if you didn’t catch it last night on Comedy Central. You can get it on Amazon as a digital download for $3.99 today only…or Target for $7.99 this week only….but Aziz, why’d you have to give that shit to Australia first homie?