An Experiment in Getting a Girl: Rules of The Game

DAY 5:

(Image note: This is me dressed a Jesus: Dinosaur Hunter for Halloween and not my usual appearance)

Today the book says “You should change your appearance, ugly.” Ok, so I paraphrased that a little. It says I should ask a female friend what they would change about my grooming, so with haste I phoned a female friend. Remembering the lesson on speech I was sure to use a deep heavy voice on the phone for optimum response. I asked her what I should change about myself grooming-wise. Without hesitation or thought she immediately suggested that I “Put on pants when I call her and that I can stop doing the whole heavy breathing thing because she has caller ID.” The book said I should thank her and appreciate her honest answer so I did just that by responding “screw you,” right before hanging up.

Next, it says I should find a new style by getting new clothes, suggesting that women all belong to “tribes” and look for men dressed similar to their tribe or a tribe they want to visit. The ruling is in, women are complete savages.

According to this chapter, women prefer a rock star look and dislike baggy crew shirts and khakis.  I have never in my life worn loose khakis or baggy crew shirts and I generally do dress like a rock star (not Elton John or that fruit John Mayer either I usually keep it between Joey Ramone and Sid Vicious).

My next mission is to go to a small clothing shop and spend some money on ugly clothes I don’t want and then shamefully parade about in them like a beaten lap dog forced to wear a Cosby sweater. Alright, maybe I paraphrased that last part again. The nearest men’s clothing shop is an army and navy store, unless you count T-shirts at the comic book store because women love grown men who dress the same way as their eight year old nephew. At least it’s better than a Gap, Old Navy, or Hot Topic (otherwise known as Gap for Goths). I loosely know the people at the store and there is quite an interesting selection, from an old deep sea diver suit to pink camouflage pants. According to the mission I have to have someone there pick out an outfit for me. Realizing that the first question I’ll be asked is “what sort of terrain will you be on?” I decide to purchase a skull patterned bandanna and a big ass bowie knife. I figure if I see someone wearing clothes I like on the street I can simply whip out the bowie knife and ask them where they purchased the article of clothing in question. Plus it’s shiny.

Last is a grooming guide

1. Change my hairstyle. Go to the best beauty salon in town with a picture from a Men’s magazine… No.

2. Ditch the glasses. I don’t wear glasses so I stole my friend’s glasses as he was driving and threw them out the car window, job well done.

3. Get tan. It suggests I get a bottle of spray tan. No, I live in New England and it’s late fall nobody has a tan, what will I say “Oh yeah um the sun shines about 60 degrees hotter on my side of town.”

4. Get a pedicure/manicure. It says that a colored nailed polish isn’t necessary but get a shiny coat because women love shiny things.

5. Remove excess hair, get your eyebrows tweezed, teeth whitened, get dermatology advice from the makeup counter girl.

6. Accessorize with jewelry.

The end result?

DAY 6:

Today’s mission requires me to approach and compliment four women. It also says to avoid compliments that convey sexual interest like “you’re hot” or “you look like something to poke on.” He explains that the goal of this exercise is to sound genuine and show appreciation for something you notice spontaneously… In other words, it teaches you how to lie to random women on the street.

I decide to start today’s mission by heading down the street to this “hip” café that has an open air porch and couches in which I always see resplendent young ladies congregating.

The first young lady I notice is a brunette wearing a cut off band shirt so you can see cleavage, as always the first compliment that comes to mind is “nice boobs.” Luckily I remembered that the compliment has to be non-sexual so I decide to go with “exquisite rack” as a rack is an object and if I know women they love to be compared to objects. Not an overwhelmingly warm reception but it’s my first try so I’ll chalk it up to experience.

I move towards the other side of the café and notice a woman wearing a short-ish tight dress where if she moves the right way, you can see right up her skirt. Her scant clothing suggests she’s receptive so I decide to make her my next target. I can’t just say “nice dress” it’s just too vague, which I think was my problem last time (I really should have specified what I liked about that last girl’s rack, for example “it’s big”). I realize I like her dress because it makes her look slutty so I approach her and tell her “nice dress” she thanks me and quickly I add “it makes you look slutty” at which point her demeanor undergoes a mercurial shift. I realize it’s time for me to go elsewhere so I hit a coffee shop nearby.

As my first two attempts failed, I speculate they were just too sexual. That is when it hit, the perfect non-sexual compliment!  Now all I needed was a target.  I notice a fairly discrete young lady reading a book and, undaunted by former failures, I proceed to approach her. “Miss,” I say to her, “Yes,” she replies. Solemnly I interject with the non-sexual compliment that will define a species “I just wanted to compliment you on your well defined opposable thumbs.” Immediately, we develop a rapport and she asks me back to her place for a night of passionate love making. Oh the things she could do with those thumbs! Grasping, holding, picking things up off the ground, text messaging! Quite amazing really! Okay none of that happened, I got a bizarre look and a “thanks?”

Drained from my failures I still have one more compliment to give so I simply call a female friend and tell her she “looks nice today” she replies that “you haven’t even seen her today but thanks.” I proceed with today’s last mission which is to sleep for 8 hours. I’ll do them one better and make it ten.

DAY 7:

Today’s lesson is that there is no such thing as a “pick up line” and explains that you need to create an “opener” which is like a pick up line that gives women a jumping off point to assert their opinions on you. There is a long section on crafting an opener which I will spare you but basically, it should be a fictional story that you are desperately seeking a woman’s advice on like “How does The View stay on the air?” The book suggests that the opener should be a story that showcases you humor (or lack thereof) and personality.

It says that you need to craft and memorize your opener before approaching women and that memorizing book passages and scripts may help you. So after explaining to several young ladies that my name is “Margret” and that I am a 13 year old girl having my first period I was ready to craft my own opener.

After getting my opener down, it was time to move on to the next mission which is to approach three groups of women and use it. It implies that women travel in groups like a herd of cows, parliament of owls, or ambush of tigers. Realizing I would be outnumbered and entering a possibly hostile situation I armed myself with Anti-Woman Spray, known more commonly by it’s brand name, “Drakkar Noir.”

First I try the simple opener which is simply to ask a simple question with a simple answer like “do you know who sang (insert popular song here)?”  I make my approach and politely say “Excuse me. Do you happen to know how many people Jeffery Dahmer cannibalized?” Oh wait, it says in the book to avoid questions about serial killers. Well I guess live and learn, unless a serial killer cannibalizes you.

Let’s try the next one, and ask for advice. The book suggests using the situation “My friend’s girlfriend tried to kiss me.” I decide to make it my own by adding the phrase “on my penis” to the end. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have used this line on my friend’s girlfriend as she already knew I was lying.

With my failures behind me it’s time to use the fail proof story opener I had crafted. After a quick introduction and a plea for help I begin my story, a story some may consider the greatest ever told. I gaudiloquently start, “A while back I was at Cloud City fleeing the empire with some other rebels and my buddy who was administrator of Cloud City at the time… let’s call him Lando. Lando, a former gambler and thief had apparently made a deal to hand me over to a bounty hunter, this dude Boba Fett. He handed me over, at which point I was frozen in carbonite, but it turns out he was screwed on the deal and afterward he helped my friends escape Cloud City. I know he’s remorseful and he’s pretty cool but should I forgive him?” The women were all over me before I could even finish my dilemma. I’m so glad I didn’t rip off the plot of “Erin Brockovich” as I can’t pull off the busty lawyer gig.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED SO FAR?

Women apparently enjoy men who lie to them and spend lots of money on things that make them look like women.

Next week: “Week 2: Electric Boogaloo”