“It’s the second most stolen book in the United States right after the Bible” said Neil Strauss in reference to his book Rules of the Game on the popular radio show Toucher and Rich in Boston. This obviously piqued my interest. The book is billed as the be all, end all guide to picking up women and it’s written by Neil Strauss who wrote such kick ass biographies as “Dirt” about Motley Crue and “How To Make Love Like A Porn Star” about Jenna Jameson.
I’m a lonely, lonely man and my pick up technique of telling girls I’m “the bassist from the band Ace of Bass, and that’s right I am the ace,” wasn’t working (probably because Ace of Base didn’t actually have a bassist). Rules of the Game is designed like a textbook for picking up women with daily lessons and lasts 30 days so I decided to take the challenge and chronicle my experience. Here’s what happened:
DAY 1:
We start our adventure by assessing ourselves with several questions.
Q: Describe how you think people see you?
A: Probably with their eyes, I believe it involves light refraction and such. Unless they’re blind then well… I guess they’d make easy victims. Actually, most people see me as a funny guy with no broads.
Q: Describe how you want people to see you?
A: Through telescopes looking up at me in my sky castle! Bwa ha ha ha! Okay how about as a funny guy with tons of broads.
Q: Identify 3 behaviors you want to change.
A: Not getting laid, not getting any vagina, and being without access to vagina.
Q: 3 Characteristics you’d like to adopt.
A: Kicking Bill Engvall in the nuts, having movie star good looks, and receiving more free tacos.
The next section is a list of “limiting beliefs” that hold you back. “People aren’t judging you, actually they desire your approval as much as you desire theirs.” I guess this means I should begin each conversation with women by yelling the reminder “You demand my approval!” Here’s another one, “Just ask women what they want.” I guess this implies that all women are inherently prostitutes who charge different rates and enjoy being propositioned with phrases like “How much?”
Alright let’s move on to the “Small Talk” section. The book gives several examples to use with fill in the blanks to customize them for every situation you’ll ever run into.
Current Events: Did you hear that —— ? What will they think of next!
Here’s what I used, think of your own, don’t steal mine.
Did you hear that ducks are rape proof? What will they think of next!
Entertainment: Did you see the new —— movie yet? I heard it was good.
Mine: Did you see the new rape fantasy porno yet? I heard it was good.
DAY 2:
Okay today it says to shower, shave, and groom yourself. Done.
Now the next mission is to call someone randomly and ask them to recommend a movie. Simply say “Hello is this Moviefone? No? Well can you recommend a good movie?” Unfortunately I left my phone at a bar last night so I had to ask people in person. I approached a young lady at the coffee shop and decided to try it. I approach the lass and query, “Hello, are you moviefone?” “No,” she replies in a slightly befuddled manner. “Well then, can you recommend a good movie?” She said that “Twilight” was pretty good so I backed away slowly without breaking eye contact.
DAY 3:
My first mission today says I should see a vocal coach to help me remove any weaknesses in my voice. I had no idea where to find a vocal coach and no money to pay one so I decided to instead watch the TV show “Coach.” After a grueling half hour of training I realized that Jerry Van Dyke’s character is loud and bumbling. Luckily I am already quite loud and bumbling so I appear to have passed this section.
Next, there’s a list of physical speaking problems many people encounter, luckily I have none of the problems mentioned so I have confidence knowing that my poo jokes will be heard clearly and in perfect pitch.
DAY 4:
Okay it’s says before I start this lesson I should get my energy up by showering, shaving, listening to loud music and whatever I do, don’t masturbate if prone to doing so…
DAY 4, REVISTED:
Alright shower, listen to loud music, and don’t masturb…
DAY 4, EPISODE 3: THE PHANTOM PEN-IS:
Okay shower, listen to loud music, and stare at a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Next mission: ask 3 women to recommend a good men’s clothing store. It also says “do not approach the women from behind,” sounds kind of crazy right? Well I’ll step out of my comfort (and mace susceptible) zone and try it. Out of the three women I asked, they could only mention good women’s clothing stores so I decided to acquire some clothing from these stores, after all, if women love the clothing so much they’re bound to love a guy in the clothing. Now outfitted in highly recommended women’s clothing, I’m on to my next mission.
Next mission: Stand up straight…. Small problem, the women’s clothing adorning my person is rather short to show off my trim muscular figure and long legs. In other words, if I stand up straight my penis will fall out of my slut skirt. I’m in quite the predicament, I can’t help but wonder if other women like the Queen of England, Anne Coulter, or Stacy Keach experience the same problem.
Ok,
After reading this, I'm slightly disappointed in you. At first I was really enjoying this piece and getting a good laugh. At first. In the beginning it seemed like you created a character that was actually trying to use the book correctly, but forever flawed with nerd-ability. But by day three it was crazy obvious that you're just making fun of the book. Which, though the book begs for crass wit and mockery, you missed the real joke! I got excited to read about some guy who was sincerely trying to follow these instructions and having everything go wrong at every turn. That's where the true humor lies. I expect a re-write by the end of the week. I like the Coach reference.
i lost…..
The character is me. While I am nerdy it makes up only a portion of my personality, sarcastic asshole, alcoholic lunatic, self serving abstract humorist, depressed lonely bastard. If I was to limit myself to the nerd aspects of my personality during this undertaking it just wouldn't be me. I'd become a typecast of caricature of myself. Also I'm not a very good nerd as I'm not very intelligent.
Article isn't funny, and neither are you. The book has some great information on how to best make use of your existing quality traits. not only are you failing at understanding the book's key messages, you're failing to be funny at pooking fun at it.
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