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Evan Porter

Breaking the News via Twitter

Posted By: on December 30, 2009

Every now and then, something happens in your life that is so monumental, so Earth-shaking, that you have no choice but to share it with nearly everyone you know. The question is, how do you do it?

How do you tell your friends that your mother has died? How do you tell your family that you’re gay? How do you share the not-so-appealing results of your most recent visit to the free clinic?

Well, that’s why God invented Twitter. Not only can you build a large and diverse family via the social networking site, you can also use it to have uncomfortable conversations that you’d rather not have in person.

Here are some tips to help you get the most out of avoiding conflict via Twitter.


Finding out you have a venereal disease can be a humiliating discovery. Still, its important that you come to terms with it quickly. It’s even more important to notify your most recent partner, just to be safe, no matter how uncomfortable it might make you. They have a right to know, just… let them down gently. I might suggest something like this:


Or, if you have successfully identified the source of your ailment, you had better warn all of your followers:


Break Ups

Break ups can be rough, no matter which side of them you wind up on. The trick here is to generate maximum sympathy from your followers, while simultaneously submarining your ex’s potential rebound prospects and capitalizing on the nearly infinite hook up potential of social networking. All in 140 characters or less.


Or how about:


Going to Rehab

Hey, we all have flaws. Good for you if you are strong enough to take steps towards becoming a better person. You don’t want your friends to worry too much about you while you’re gone, so let them know where you’re going and if there’s anything they can do to help:


Or maybe take a stand in front of everyone about your commitment to turning your life around:


Death in the Family

The death of a loved one might be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to cope with. This is a good time to really lean on your Twitter family. Let them be there for you:


And when you’re ready, maybe crack a joke or flash a little apathy to let everyone know you’re okay.


Coming Out

It’s best not to hide things from your friends and family, and your Twitter family is no different. If you are ready to tell the world that you’re gay, don’t leave your followers out. They deserve to know just like everyone else. The trick is not to blind side them with the announcement. Make them feel like they have known for a while and you might get a more favorable reception.


That should pretty much cover coming out.

Just remember, your followers are like your family. Just because you don’t ever have to talk to them in person and you don’t know over half of them, that doesn’t mean that they don’t believe they deserve to know every microscopic detail about your life.

btw… the twitter account shown is not intended to represent the owner of the actual twitter account that shares the same name, it is simply a coincidence.

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