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Dr. Intoxicated

13 of the Most Abominable Things Done To Poodles

Posted By: on April 7, 2010
2

Like most people I am constantly up on poodle news, what’s going on in the poodle world, who’s who among poodles etc.. It seems national media attention is always on the poodle whether it be a story on poodle scientists or a in depth interview with Joe Lieberman’s poodle “Hadassah”…. Alright most people don’t care about poodles, in fact there are very few people who have seen a glimpse of the breme and bizarre world of poodle breeding. I only stumbled on this touch of insanity when Googling “poodle” for a Photoshop job. I panned quickly through pages of freak poodles before finding a normal looking poodle, realizing along the way that there was an easy phoned in article there. So now without further ado I present you with a parade of poodles made repugnant.

pinkpoodle

PINK POODLE

Though it looks suspiciously like a rejected Pokemon this one falls on the “normal” side.

panda-poodle-5

PANDLE

Actually kind of cute. Unfortunately as a dog and a panda it can never ever go to China for fear of becoming a delicacy. Okay that is a racist stereotype and a hackneyed joke. I intend to sell it to Jeff Dunham.

rainbow-poodle

Read On
Dr. Intoxicated

An Experiment in Getting a Girl: Rules of The Game Week 2

Posted By: on December 6, 2009
2

ruleofthegame

WEEK 2:

So last week I began my peregrination to master the popular guide to sexually accosting voluntary women otherwise known as “dating,” Rules of the Game.  If you need to catch up on my progress check it out Here on the ever illustrious TopCultured.com (tell your friends and if you don’t have friends shout it to random people on the street, don’t worry you won’t look crazy, just awesome).

After being subjected to my roommate’s tales of quisquilious mercurial frottage this weekend I was seething mad with vorant desire for sexual gratification (Translation: He got laid, I didn’t). With the weekend behind me like fame to Nicole Ritchie I had a new solidified resolve to finally meet “the one…” who would sleep with me.

day8

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TopCultured Legends

5 Recession Proof Professions

Posted By: on July 1, 2014

Even though the recession is slowing down, there’s no telling when another may hit (or when this one may reboot). When choosing a career and profession, it’s important to note the stability of it. After Read On »

3 Tips for a Tropical Getaway on a Budget

Posted By: on January 3, 2014

As winter sets in, you’re probably tempted to escape the cold and head for a warm, tropical island. We’d all love to go on a tropical vacation, but price is usually the thing that holds Read On »

I Wish I Was a Wolf.

Posted By: on November 14, 2011

If this is what Red Riding Hood Looks like All Grown Up. Dang.

Dr. Intoxicated

Bacon Flavored Vodka: Yes, It’s Real

Posted By: on November 27, 2009
0

Ever wake up hungover, unsure of how you ended up in a chicken coop covered in vomit and sparkly body paint? No? Well you’re not drinking hard enough.

Anyway in this situation you have a choice. That choice? To suck it up and go get breakfast or to take a hair of that hell hound Cerberus you gave you one hell of a nasty bite.

Well that choice just got a lot simpler.

bacon flavored vodka

Read On
Dr. Intoxicated

An Experiment in Getting a Girl: Rules of The Game

Posted By: on November 16, 2009
5

ruleofthegame

It’s the second most stolen book in the United States right after the Bible” said Neil Strauss in reference to his book Rules of the Game on the popular radio show Toucher and Rich in Boston.  This obviously piqued my interest. The book is billed as the be all, end all guide to picking up women and it’s written by Neil Strauss who wrote such kick ass biographies as “Dirt” about Motley Crue and “How To Make Love Like A Porn Star”  about Jenna Jameson.

I’m a lonely, lonely man and my pick up technique of telling girls I’m “the bassist from the band Ace of Bass, and that’s right I am the ace,” wasn’t working (probably because Ace of Base didn’t actually have a bassist).  Rules of the Game is designed like a textbook for picking up women with daily lessons and lasts 30 days so I decided to take the challenge and chronicle my experience. Here’s what happened:

DAY 1:

day1

We start our adventure by assessing ourselves with several questions.

Q: Describe how you think people see you?

A: Probably with their eyes, I believe it involves light refraction and such. Unless they’re blind then well… I guess they’d make easy victims. Actually, most people see me as a funny guy with no broads.

Q: Describe how you want people to see you?

A: Through telescopes looking up at me in my sky castle! Bwa ha ha ha! Okay how about as a funny guy with tons of broads.

Q:  Identify 3 behaviors you want to change.

A:  Not getting laid, not getting any vagina, and being without access to vagina.

Q:  3 Characteristics you’d like to adopt.

A:  Kicking Bill Engvall in the nuts, having movie star good looks, and receiving more free tacos.

The next section is a list of “limiting beliefs” that hold you back.  “People aren’t judging you, actually they desire your approval as much as you desire theirs.” I guess this means I should begin each conversation with women by yelling the reminder “You demand my approval!”  Here’s another one, “Just ask women what they want.”  I guess this implies that all women are inherently prostitutes who charge different rates and enjoy being propositioned with phrases like “How much?”

Alright let’s move on to the “Small Talk” section. The book gives several examples to use with fill in the blanks to customize them for every situation you’ll ever run into.

Current Events: Did you hear that —— ?  What will they think of next!

Here’s what I used, think of your own, don’t steal mine.

Did you hear that ducks are rape proof? What will they think of next!

Entertainment: Did you see the new —— movie yet? I heard it was good.

Mine: Did you see the new rape fantasy porno yet? I heard it was good.

Read On
Dr. Intoxicated

A Comedic Look at How Drug Trials Work

Posted By: on October 29, 2009
3

homeopathicfda


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Dr. Intoxicated

Behind The Box: The Scariest Cereal Mascots Ever

Posted By: on October 26, 2009
3

sataniccereal

There has always been a section of the cereal aisle I have never dared to go. A section dominated solely by the most evil cereals, cereals forged by the spoon of Satan himself.  Now I have never been a superstitious individual, I own a black cat, I step on cracks, and I have repeated the name Tyler Perry three times which I’ve been told makes Tyler Perry release another atrocious movie (maybe I should stop that just in case).  But some taboos you just don’t violate (like this one), better safe than sorry. Here are some examples:

1. Never feed a Mogwai after midnight,

2. Never step on a butterfly if you end up traveling back in time

3. Never marry Barbara Streisand, and

4. Never mess with the occult before lunch

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Dr. Intoxicated

Riker’s Revenge (or the trouble with replicators)

Posted By: on October 15, 2009
3

repissfull

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Dr. Intoxicated

7 Chick Flicks Turned Badass

Posted By: on October 12, 2009
4

After recently viewing Nick and Norah’s Infinitely terrible movie I thought “Wow, I would just love for a killer monster to just slaughter everyone in this movie”. Years ago I used to do a bit in which I would combine the plots of two movies to make a new movie with examples such as “American History X-mas” and “Schindler’s List 2: Electric Boogaloo”. So I thought “what could make all these terrible chick flicks interesting?”. Well I decided it was time to give a few of these chick flicks a badass movie makeover.

volverine

1. Volverine

When Raimunda (Penelope Cruz) returns to her childhood village to clean the gravestones of her dead parents she discovers that the fire they died in wasn’t an accident. During her quest to find the killers Raimunda learns from her Aunt that she’s actually a government experiment with adamantium  claws. When Raimunda finds her husband attempting to molest her daughter the claws come out and rip him and her daughter to shreds. Code naming herself “Wolverine” which she pronounces as “Volverine” because of her hot accent she begins her bloody quest for vengeance.

Read On
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