The Deadliest Fast Food Mascot Challenge

Posted By: on September 18, 2010

I am just going to cut to the chase.  Who the hell would beat who’s ass if they were ever in a heated altercation. Ronald McDonald (“The Clown”) or The Burger King (“The King”). Tough one – I know, right?


For those lucky enough to have seen Spike Tv’s Dealiest Warrior, go and watch another episode because this is not going to be anywhere near as cool.  Or even accurate for that matter. Will it be kinda sorta fun though? Hell yeah!

Inspired by the aforementioned Deadliest Warrior, we will basically we will pit McDonald’s “creepy clown in hooker makeup” mascot, against the “almost creepier but in a less pedophilic way” mascot of Burger King.

The battle will be arbitrarily judged based on the following four key elements:

  1. Short Range Weapons
  2. Mid Range Weapons
  3. Long Range Weapons
  4. Signature Weapon Range

In lieu of actual, harmful, and diabolically constructed weapons, we will be arming the mascots with, what else?, their own menu items. And better yet, this creepy little contest will not take into consideration the taste of any of their arsenal, better yet, the winner for each round will be decided strictly using the health quantification figure CALORIES!!! The higher the chance of a heart attack, the greater chance they stand on the field of battle. *Lightning strikes and a defenseless young virgin screams*

Place your bets now

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The Hangover Wants What the Hangover Wants

Posted By: on August 3, 2010

Fairfield County Menus - Greasy Bags

You see those bags?  THAT is what my stomach CRAVES after a night of self-loathed drinking.  It used to happen a lot more, specifically when in college (which is 50% of the reason I got so fat), but I must confess I had a fat kid day for the record books this weekend.

Sunday – I woke up with something fierce.  No, I’m not talking about that – pervert; I’m talking about the feeling you get after a night of alcohol consumption that can only be satisfied by the greasiest, unhealthiest and downright sinful food you can get your hands on.  Why is that? For me, that means burgers and basically anything that can fit into a fryalator (industrial sized).

My day consisted of two trips to two different fast food joints: McDonald’s…and Wendy’s.  I was looking for fat food fast – and boy did I find it. And it did not disappoint on any level.

Before I go any further I must present you with one disclaimer.  I am not proud of what I did. I am still feeling the effects of what happened when the residual alcohol in my system collectively kicked the inner dieter in the teeth and stole his wallet. This is a dance they both know so very well. Granted, it’s so unbelievably easy to forget about the  salad on any day, but magnify that by 20,000 to the nth.

You know what I’m talking about. You’ve done it – and you’ll do it again.  And by you, I mean me. Here’s a list of what I ate for two meals (not including the chicken sandwich, pickle and tortilla chips and salsa I had beforehand):

  • Big Mac
  • Large McDonald’s fries
  • Large Sprite
  • Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich
  • Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger
  • Wendy’s Fries
  • Wendy’s chicken nuggets (half)
  • Large coke

Now that I look at that, it actually doesn’t seem so bad.  Just as delicious? Totally. I’m actually thinking now, that I blew it by not going bigger at Micky D’s.  I easily could have scarfed down a snack wrap and apple pies.  Again, I am not proud – only now it’s because I could have eaten more.

Jeff the Jerk is a contributing writer who loves his beer and loves his greasy food. To read more posts by him, head over to

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