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Evan Porter

Breaking the News via Twitter

Posted By: on December 30, 2009
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Every now and then, something happens in your life that is so monumental, so Earth-shaking, that you have no choice but to share it with nearly everyone you know. The question is, how do you do it?

How do you tell your friends that your mother has died? How do you tell your family that you’re gay? How do you share the not-so-appealing results of your most recent visit to the free clinic?

Well, that’s why God invented Twitter. Not only can you build a large and diverse family via the social networking site, you can also use it to have uncomfortable conversations that you’d rather not have in person.

Here are some tips to help you get the most out of avoiding conflict via Twitter.

STDs

Finding out you have a venereal disease can be a humiliating discovery. Still, its important that you come to terms with it quickly. It’s even more important to notify your most recent partner, just to be safe, no matter how uncomfortable it might make you. They have a right to know, just… let them down gently. I might suggest something like this:

twitter1

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Evan Porter

5 Reasons Television is Better than Movies

Posted By: on December 16, 2009
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I’m not sure when it happened. I honestly can’t figure out the exact date, or what incident inspired the transition, but at some point over the past few years, TV became better than movies and, in fact, way more popular than any of these dudes.

Some people claim it has to do with superior writing, quality performances from lesser known actors, compelling characters and storylines, or the connection a long running TV show can build with its audience, but I have some different ideas as to why watching television is a better choice than going to the movies these days.

#1 – Nudity

Boobs used to be the best part about going to the movies. Who could forget those nights when your parents would cover your eyes through the “adult parts,” during family movie night, but guess who was the first in line at Blockbuster when that bad boy came out on  VHS?

Meadow Soprano - Reason #1

Meadow Soprano - Reason #1

News flash: You don’t have to pay $10.50 to see tits anymore. You don’t even need HBO or Showtime for the most part. You should see what FX gets away with these days: more ass shots than you know what to do with is what (Paging Dr. Christian Troy), and we all know ass is the new tits. If you do have the luxury of watching the premium “movie channels” (which has become a huge misnomer), you’re in store for some of the best sex scenes this side of Basic Instinct. All in the privacy of your own home, which is, for obvious reasons, preferable.

#2 – Will Ferrell

It’s nothing personal against Will Ferrell. I think he’s one of the funniest actors of his generation, by far, but God bless him. Hollywood made him a superstar, then promptly pooped all over his career. Producers like to play horseshoes with him. They toss a dozen crap ass scripts at him and make a movie out of whichever one lands closest.

It’s not just about him, though, it’s about the laziness of everyone in Hollywood. You can say the same about nearly every actor in the business. I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button when two years ago he was Achilles. I’d rather watch a nobody really dig into a TV role and truly become that character for five or six years. Of course, they will never get another part ever again due to typecasting, but that’s not my problem.

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TopCultured Legends

Superbowl XLV By The Numbers

Posted By: on January 28, 2011

With the Superbowl XLV (that’s 45 for all you who didn’t learn the Roman counting system in grade school) just under a week away, the excitement is building. I’ve already been to the super market Read On »

Squirrel Cosa Nostra

Posted By: on August 6, 2010

Even though they stand just inches tall, these guys scare me enough to keep all the walnuts from my oak tree. I wouldn’t want to get on their bad side…and I good probably stand to Read On »

I Survived the 2010 D.C. Earthquake

Posted By: on July 16, 2010

Last night for maybe the 3rd time in 100 years the Washington D.C. area had a noticeable earthquake. For anyone living in the area that felt it or was woken up by it, it was quite a Read On »

Evan Porter

The Most Annoying Inventions of the Past 20 Years

Posted By: on December 9, 2009
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tamagotchi

I'm sorry, your Tamagotchi has died

With rapid advances in technology over the past two decades, our ability to create useless and irritating garbage has increased exponentially. Here are some of the worst developments of the past 20 years.

Remember; people actually bought this stuff.

1) Tamagotchis – Hey, here’s a great idea. Let’s make a video game that you have to carry around everywhere you go. Oh, and you can never pause or turn it off. And it will double as a key chain for some reason.

SAVING GRACE: I’m pretty sure Tamagotchis had something to do with the emergence of Pokemon. That, and the fact that the fad was mercifully short lived, is enough for me to forgive the Tamagotchi. At least partially.

2) Big Mouth Billy Bass – I don’t even know what to say about this. What is this? First of all, no one would ever mount a fish on a board like a deer head because it would make your house smell like vagina. Second, I’m pretty sure the early models didn’t have an off button. Why does there seem to be a correlation between not being able to turn something off and how aggravating it is?

SAVING GRACE: We were lucky to get a  pretty catchy McDonald’s commercial out of this.

t-pain

Blame this man for Auto-Tune

3) Ring-back tones – What am I, too poor to afford an FM radio? Oh man,  it’s so convenient that you have a ring back tone, because normally I would never get to hear this Top 40 song that comes on every station sixteen times a day. I think ring back tones were invented so that when you’re calling someone who sucks, you get distracted by the music and don’t want to kill yourself as much. Only it doesn’t work because then you start to associate your favorite songs with people you hate.

SAVING GRACE: Ring backs do offer you a unique call screening method. If you are calling someone you’ve just met, and they have a ring back tone, hang up and never call them again.

4) AutoTune – This had so much potential until rappers got a hold of it. Use it as an insurance policy during live shows, toss it into the occasional dance song, sure why not. Basing entire albums, though, off of an artist’s inability to sing is where I have a problem. Auto Tune kind of reminds me of the automated check out system at the grocery store. Sure, it’s a marvel of modern technology, but between the repair man, the supervisor, and the installation crew, you might as well just hire cashiers. There’s an analogy in there somewhere.

SAVING GRACE: Auto-Tune the News

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