I'm sorry, your Tamagotchi has died
With rapid advances in technology over the past two decades, our ability to create useless and irritating garbage has increased exponentially. Here are some of the worst developments of the past 20 years.
Remember; people actually bought this stuff.
1) Tamagotchis – Hey, here’s a great idea. Let’s make a video game that you have to carry around everywhere you go. Oh, and you can never pause or turn it off. And it will double as a key chain for some reason.
SAVING GRACE: I’m pretty sure Tamagotchis had something to do with the emergence of Pokemon. That, and the fact that the fad was mercifully short lived, is enough for me to forgive the Tamagotchi. At least partially.
2) Big Mouth Billy Bass – I don’t even know what to say about this. What is this? First of all, no one would ever mount a fish on a board like a deer head because it would make your house smell like vagina. Second, I’m pretty sure the early models didn’t have an off button. Why does there seem to be a correlation between not being able to turn something off and how aggravating it is?
SAVING GRACE: We were lucky to get a pretty catchy McDonald’s commercial out of this.
Blame this man for Auto-Tune
3) Ring-back tones – What am I, too poor to afford an FM radio? Oh man, it’s so convenient that you have a ring back tone, because normally I would never get to hear this Top 40 song that comes on every station sixteen times a day. I think ring back tones were invented so that when you’re calling someone who sucks, you get distracted by the music and don’t want to kill yourself as much. Only it doesn’t work because then you start to associate your favorite songs with people you hate.
SAVING GRACE: Ring backs do offer you a unique call screening method. If you are calling someone you’ve just met, and they have a ring back tone, hang up and never call them again.
4) AutoTune – This had so much potential until rappers got a hold of it. Use it as an insurance policy during live shows, toss it into the occasional dance song, sure why not. Basing entire albums, though, off of an artist’s inability to sing is where I have a problem. Auto Tune kind of reminds me of the automated check out system at the grocery store. Sure, it’s a marvel of modern technology, but between the repair man, the supervisor, and the installation crew, you might as well just hire cashiers. There’s an analogy in there somewhere.
SAVING GRACE: Auto-Tune the News