An Experiment in Getting a Girl: Rules of The Game Week 2

DAY 12:

Mission 1: Share your traits! Compile a list of 8 traits, mine are below.

1.Well hung 2. Not overwhelmingly flatulent 3. I have a sweet old school Nintendo (I don’t know anyone who could refuse an offer to play old school Nintendo) 4. I’m not in the band Creed 5. I have hard candy in my pocket  6. I think it’s a watermelon jolly rancher. 7. Scratch that, it’s a cherry jolly rancher and it’s covered in pubes 8. I like long walks  (because I’m usually too drunk to drive)

Mission 2-7: Story telling

So a lot of the focus has been on lying to women, now you’re going to step it up and tell whole stories. He says they don’t have to be lies but chances are you’re not a very interesting person and will need to make some up as most women will not be dazzled with the story of how you discovered you had anal polyps. So you probably don’t have any interesting stories but let’s at least try to think of a few. What about that time you accidentally saw your Grandmother’s vagina or the time you paid for sex? I bet there’s a story there!

It says to avoid stories that will show you’re prejudice, misanthropic, cheap, poor, unhappy, bitter, unique, fun to be around, human, angry, or perverted.  For the first time in my life I have nothing to say. Alright added perverted and maybe a few others.  In other words don’t tell her what disgusting deviant acts you had to pay for when you tell her the story of how you paid for sex, I would mention it was expensive though so she knows you’re not cheap.

Think of 8 stories in your life, now narrow it down to 2 because your life is boring and you suck.

Write them down, fine tune them, and plagiarize a stand up comic so they might seem funny (not Dane Cook, I repeat do not plagiarize Dane Cook stories! She will just end up thinking “where the fuck is the joke? That’s not funny”).  I suggest plagiarizing Jim Norton his brand of inoffensive female friendly humor will have even the stodgiest old cunt rolling on the floor peeing herself. Next it’s time to bore women with your stupid story.

Since I’m a greedy money hungry writer who gets paid for stories, I’m not handing out any freebies. Instead I’d suggest ripping off the plots of movies. I often tell women that as vagabond art student Rick Kane, I went to Hawaii to spend the summer catching killer waves. Unfortunately I had to prove myself against some locals who wanted to keep the waves all to themselves and big budget surfing companies, after teaming with a tough but fair guru I learned the importance of custom surf board making. (Story courtesy of North Shore, 1987)

I tested this story on a seemingly receptive female, her response though mixed was overall good because it meant my food was ready and that I should drive through.

DAY 13:

It’s says I should get a date book, actually before undertaking this article I attempted to get a date book but since it was October there was really no date books left for the year so I intend to get one first thing next year if I remember. I would probably remember to get one if I wrote it down somewhere like in a date book or something.

Go to a book store.

Next Mission: Purchase all books by Neil Strauss and the other six books recommended by this book so far. Alright that was just inferred, actually he only specifically tells you to buy a copy of Cosmo and read it front to back. I am so ahead of the game on this one, I’ve been reading Cosmo at my friend Jen’s house for years, I am at master at man pleasing.  Next is says to sit in the bookstore café with your Cosmo, if you are in a bookstore that does not have a café evacuate immediately! You are in an actual book store! Immediately run home and watch four hours of E! entertainment television to retard any knowledge absorbed at the actual book store from entering your brain!

Okay find a café surrounded by mediocre ruderal clap trap, look for the Oprah book club logo or the names James Patterson or Dan Brown. Now sit down with your Cosmo and let the “en-dumbening” begin.  Try to strike up conversations with random women about topics in Cosmo because all women have Cosmo projected directly into their brains on a monthly basis it’s part of the menstrual cycle. Make sure you’re holding the Cosmo so the women know you’re gay.

I picked up a Vogue instead, Vogue actually has journalists. I thought about grabbing a Play Girl too but it was sealed in plastic so the only topic of conversation I could talk to women about was “Have you seen this dude’s penis!”  Again, still not as gay as Cosmo.

The goal is to try and start a conversation with a woman so you can use the story you made up. However if there is a mention of you dating women in this story it will be met with funny looks as you are holding a Cosmo. If you manage to convince her that you are not a “butt hustler” than maybe you have a chance, Freddy Mercury.

DAY 14:

Today it says we have to convince some saucy broad that we are so cool that they don’t want us to leave.…. Easy! Well easy for me but for the rest of you I’d recommend investing in a big bag of cocaine. In his words a “hook point,” I think I already hit on that with the cocaine reference so we’ll move on. “After all she has the option of meeting any number of guys that day,” okay so she is a hooker, may I reference you yet again back to my patented “one point strategy for picking up chicks by offering them cocaine?” It says you need to be the man that stands out, in other words, be the guy at the party with the cocaine.

The last bit is about noticing a woman’s hand, in other words “is she carrying a rape horn?” Actually there is no mention of rape horns which hopefully get covered in the next edition, just sayin is all. But it does suggest you check out a woman’s hand to see where she wears her rings because each ring represents a Greek god.

Here’s the chart:

Thumb = Poseiden, representing individuality, independence, and iconoclasm

Index = Zeus, dominance, power, energy

Middle = Diony….. This is just too douchey I can’t continue.

It says to memorize and appease the finger gods by bringing them a woman to sacrifice in a carnal paganist ritual. That’s right the only reason this book wants you to attract women is so you can appease his pagan finger god. I saw it coming all along.

Actually what he wants is far worse, he wants you to memorize which fingers represent which gods and perform a spiel about it to a woman. A long spiel, a long nerdy and somewhat creepy spiel. I imagine any woman who would sit through this whole spiel about her finger gods would be likely to say “I want to feel Zeus and Dionysis in me! Oh oh there’s room for Aphrodite too, yes!” I guess it brings new meaning to the phrase “I feel god inside me.”

What I’ve Learned This Week:

I’m still hung up on finger gods and jokes about women yelling “Oh god” when you finger them.

Alright I’ve have learned that women enjoy catty, pun-using, Cosmo reading, jewelry wearing men.

Like this guy.