WEEK 2:

So last week I began my peregrination to master the popular guide to sexually accosting voluntary women otherwise known as “dating,” Rules of the Game.  If you need to catch up on my progress check it out Here on the ever illustrious TopCultured.com (tell your friends and if you don’t have friends shout it to random people on the street, don’t worry you won’t look crazy, just awesome).

After being subjected to my roommate’s tales of quisquilious mercurial frottage this weekend I was seething mad with vorant desire for sexual gratification (Translation: He got laid, I didn’t). With the weekend behind me like fame to Nicole Ritchie I had a new solidified resolve to finally meet “the one…” who would sleep with me.

DAY 8:

First off it says to read the briefing which explains that when you approach a stranger generally they’re thinking “Who are you” and “How long will you be here.”  In my experience it’s usually “Who the hell are you?” and “Why are you rubbing my thigh,” different strokes my friend, different strokes… (Just not in public or you tend to end up on the sex offender registry). The first part is about “Rooting” or the desire of the strangers you approach to learn your intentions “such as why are you rubbing my thighs?”  It says to justify your intentions right off the bat  (I.E. “I just wanted to rub your thighs, stranger”) .  Now we move on to establishing “time constraints.” Time constraints let women know you don’t intend to stay too long, using subtle gestures like winking and pointing to your running shoes.

Okay now it’s time to fine tune your openers, mine can’t get any better… Unless I can find a way to reference Doctor Who.  It suggests I add time constraints and rooting to my opener so it’ll amount to “Hi I’m Han Solo and I’m here to rub your thighs” (I know a couple of girls and a shit load of fan boys who just got wet hearing that line).  The last part is to test and evaluate my new opener.  I mostly got laughs and funny looks so I guess I have made progress.

DAY 9:

It says that I should start the day by reviewing past missions and going back to do ones you may have missed or failed. I, however, know that the whole “going back to repeat steps” thing is a trap. Having been forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous I know that once you reach one step it sends you back to another so you can never complete the 12 seemingly easy steps. It’s a scam, I mean if you can’t complete the 12 steps how are you supposed to get drunk every night without being an alcoholic? I’m sure Neil Strauss’ intentions are good though as he seems like a stand up guy, after all he knows Motley freak’n Crue.

Moving on with our “expedition to sex positions” it says that now it’s time to become bolder. The book suggests that instead of approaching single defenseless women or groups of women it’s time to approach groups with both men and women in them and use your new openers. I wasn’t having much luck with finding groups of mixed sexes so I decided to approach a group of guys by the comic book store and use my opener. Despite liking the Star Wars references in my opener they were a bit uncomfortable with being hit on by tallish guy in good shape.

The last mission tells me to look to my right, then to my left and informs me that “2 of the 3 of you will drop out of this program.” I’m sitting alone so I guess all the dropping out is up to me. So instead of reading the long day 9 briefing I’ll drop out until tomorrow.

DAY 10:

Dubbed “Opposite Day” in the book today is the day we meet women and use a line that tells them you don’t want to date them. The truth is I don’t want to date women, I either want to have sex with them or run away with them. Luckily I’m an expert at this already with patented lines like “Hey ugly!” and “You resemble that beat up looking tranny Paris Hilton.” Just for the reader’s sake I’ll try his method of “disqualification.”

To “disqualify” a woman you must throw away her job application and tell her to “come back when you have bigger boobs” a common hiring practice. The book’s definition of “disqualify” implies you must say something to them that suggests you don’t want to date them like “I don’t date fat chicks” or “I only date fat chicks” or “Want to go to the Nickelback concert with me?” Others can include “I’m racist,” “The court has ordered me to stay 500 feet away from you,” and “I’m on life support and not many restaurants serve food that can be administered through tubes.” It’s time again to, you guessed it, approach women! Don’t worry about what the authorities told you, do it anyway, chicks love bad boys!

My results… Success! I got a date!… Not really.  But in this case my failure is a success.

Today’s briefing is… Well long, too long to write about here. I will however share my 5 things you want in a woman and 5 things you don’t want list that the briefing tells you to make.

Want:

1: Sense of humor, if you enjoy According to Jim, Dane Cook, Jay Leno, Bill Engvall, Tyler Perry, Jimmy Fallon, Paul Reiser, Sex in the city, Parade magazine, Family Circle, movies featuring Julia Roberts, Rosie O’Donnell, or Steve Harvey you do not a have a “great sense of humor” and if you write that you do on your dating profile I will sue you to remove it on behalf of humor.

2:  Intelligent, possibly intelligent enough to know not to go out with me.

3 & 4: Boobs (each boob deserves its own number, they shouldn’t have to be squished together like a funny cross eyed face… they should enjoy being squished together like a funny cross eyed face)

5: Must be Regina Spektor or Audrey Tautou. (Okay maybe not, but I fall hard for creative, graceful women)

Dis-Wants:

1: Women who like stab me in my sleep, crazy is fine but stabby is too much for me.

2: A woman with a penis, this is non-negotiable. No penis.

3: No religious zealots. Unless your religion involves stripping and bringing me free tacos I’m not interested adopting you’re cartoonish god who hates everyone but you, especially dinosaurs.

4: Women who take the fun out of life. That’s my job.

5. Someone who believes in being politically correct, if I wanted a soulless lump to have sex with I’d date a chick in a coma. If you’ve got a strong opinion and a good mind, use it, don’t be afraid of offending people cause chances are they need someone to break that stick up their posterior.

DAY 11:

Refining your identity, this is a direct quote from the book :

“In nearly every successful approach at some point you’ll be asked what you do. If you’ve mastered disqualifiers you’re initial response will be to tease her for asking “interview questions” and claim to be a professional hopscotch player.”

Ha! Professional hopscotch player! Ha Ha Ha HA HA HA! Have I’ve been as obnoxiously pandering as someone claiming to be a professional hopscotch player yet? Just for good measure, HA HA HA HA HA HA! Dick bag, go die choking yourself while you masturbate in a public restroom to porn on your blackberry, there is a reason women treat you like the plague.  Yes you sir are in fact a master disqualifier, through your lack of wit you have managed to disqualify your toxic genes from being passed on to the next generation. Congrats you’re obnoxious on a biological level.

Alright now that my tangent is over let’s proceed with the lesson.  For the first time in the book it suggests you tell women the truth as they’re just looking to find out how much of your money they can spend before they dump you (not specifically stated but inferred from the book). However the truth can be bent ever so slightly, for example “dish washer” can become “I work in the hydro-ceramic sanitation industry” and “I’m Jim Belushi” can become “I hang on the coat tails of my talented dead brother and guilt people into giving me acting jobs.” For me “Unemployed ex-chef” or “Bitter talentless comedy writer” just doesn’t make the ladies swoon so I tell chicks I’m a sex offender instead because chicks love bad boys. Occasionally I tell women that I’m King Tuesday of Make Believe Land, feudal despotic economics make chicks wet.

Mission 2:

Approach women and tell them you’re a sex offender! I’ve noted that it helps if you ask them to sign something legal looking to ensure that you notified them. Actually tell them whatever lie you came up with. It says that when you’re talking to a group of women take a step back like you intend to leave and then rope them into another conversation by asking them “how do you know each other?” more than likely their response will be “We’re all strippers, at the strip club… That you’re sitting in, right now.”

The book suggests you then asked something cheesy like “So which one of you is the black sheep” but I’ve found that throwing a cloud of bills into the air is much more well received. It says you need to approach three groups of women so I’d suggest hitting the bank and changing most of your money into one dollar bills leaving a couple tens and twenty for that “special someone.” You know the girl who’ll pleasure you for a negotiated fee behind the VIP curtain or “love at first suck.” That’s right I’m a horrible, horrible man.

See How Days 12-14 Went >>

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