After recently viewing Nick and Norah’s Infinitely terrible movie I thought “Wow, I would just love for a killer monster to just slaughter everyone in this movie”. Years ago I used to do a bit in which I would combine the plots of two movies to make a new movie with examples such as “American History X-mas” and “Schindler’s List 2: Electric Boogaloo”. So I thought “what could make all these terrible chick flicks interesting?”. Well I decided it was time to give a few of these chick flicks a badass movie makeover.
When Raimunda (Penelope Cruz) returns to her childhood village to clean the gravestones of her dead parents she discovers that the fire they died in wasn’t an accident. During her quest to find the killers Raimunda learns from her Aunt that she’s actually a government experiment with adamantium claws. When Raimunda finds her husband attempting to molest her daughter the claws come out and rip him and her daughter to shreds. Code naming herself “Wolverine” which she pronounces as “Volverine” because of her hot accent she begins her bloody quest for vengeance.
2. Sisterhood Of The Traveling Mercenaries
In the VIP room of a Vegas strip club, four strippers find a pair of jeans that magically fits them despite their different sizes. Unfortunately strippers don’t wear full jeans so they decide to make them cut-off daisy dukes and when they are doing so they discover a handgun in the pocket that magically hits any target the wielder is thinking of. This coming of age (the age of death) story follows the strippers as they travel around assassinating third world dictators.
3. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Hit List
Nick is heartbroken and has confined himself to his room only conversing with his fellow band mates who happen to be hip and gay… Actually Nick is confined to a prison cell where he only converses with his fellow cellmates who have gay sex but will contend they are not gay. Norah is a crazy bitch who is turned on by murder and using cliché dialog clearly written in a boardroom by old, out of touch corporate folks who have no idea what young people are like. When Norah one day arrives for a conjugal with her latest murderer, she is surprised to find that Nick has murdered him in a brutal fashion. After some awesome nudity from Norah who is extremely developed for her age they discover a common interest in murdering the same people. Norah helps Nick escape prison and they drive around New York in a kitschy hip retro car that no teenager would drive trading hit lists and killing as many hipsters as they can during this whimsical feel good bloodfest.
4. Last Lakehouse On The Left
After Keanu Reeves is raped and left for dead by a gang of tough guys who mistake him for an Asian transsexual he wants revenge. He soon discovers that the mailbox of his secluded lake house allows him to converse with Sandra Bullock… No wait, some chick that is way hotter.. Like Shannon Elizabeth. Yeah, Shannon Elizabeth. He employs her to send him weapons from the future to help get his revenge. Unfortunately it’s only two years in the future so the weapons are still pretty much the same. After googling Shannon Elizabeth, Keanu tries to hook up with her. Before he can though, the gang of thugs get stranded at his lake house where he proceeds to kick some ass and stab people with kitchen knives, burn them with hot irons, and everything else not considered torture by the republican party.
5. Runaway Murder-Bot
When military scientist Richard Gere falls in love with a hideous conniving beast (Julia Roberts) his work on creating murderous robots for the benefit of humanity is quickly derailed. Roberts, tired of Gere spending all his time with the murder-bot, convinces Gere to bring his murder-bot to their wedding. While Gere is preparing to get married, Roberts frees the murder-bot which promptly goes on a killing spree. Can our hero (the murder-bot) stop this wedding and kill Julia Roberts and Richard Gere so they stop making movies? Let’s hope so.
6. Fried Green Tomatoes…. With Ninjas
When a group of unattractive women gather, much to the chagrin of the repressed local hicks, it’s about thirty minutes of boredom until one day they go antiquing and Jessica Tandy purchases a badass katana. Little do they know, that katana once belonged to the leader of a secret ninja clan and contains a secret that the ninjas will kill to acquire. That secret? A recipe for fried green tomatoes, that will summon an ancient Oni, capable of destroying the world! The ninjas descend upon the residence to the discover the women have found the recipe and are preparing to make it. Watch as the ninja help death along by taking out these old women one by one.
7. How To Loose A Limb In 10 Seconds
Matthew McConaughey is a terrible actor who likes keeping his life. Unfortunately for him, Kate Hudson’s character is the average moviegoer who happens to have a chainsaw. After McConaughey meets Hudson, takes off his shirt, and suggests watching “Fool’s Gold,” Hudson bravely eviscerates him with a chainsaw for the good of the people. Surprisingly, McConaughey gives an excellent performance with a lot of laughs (he screams funny) and a lot of blood. This movie is the true meaning of serendipity!
If this article convinces just one Hollywood producer to insert a a chainsaw-wielding maniac into the next Hugh Grant/Julia Roberts film I’ve done my job.
- Dr. Intoxicated