Every year around this time, many of us get our Dunder Mifflin on and experience the travesty that is Secret Santa. I’ve wondered aloud for many years why this even exists. I personally am not one for keeping secrets, and any secret involving Santa should include something about him not being real. So I’ve compiled my short list of why this concept is brutal. And why people should just buy me good things.
1. Control. Something bothers me knowing that a single person has complete power over whether or not I enjoy my gift.
2. Not being able to voice your displeasure about your shitty gift. Sorry Doug, I am not really the 3rd-season-of-the-West-Wing type. And even if I was, did you just assume I had seasons 1 and 2? I’m gonna just use the discs as coasters under the #1 co-worker mug you got me last year.
3. Candles. Almost as cliche as this list, gifts such as candles are so thoughtless that the only good part about them is betting on if they’ll burn out or end before or after your friendship with the person who gave it to you.
4. That brings me to my next gripe. Always seeming to get the same person every year, or having the same person get you. If your family or office insists on doing one of these, there should be some type of non-Santa related clause. Something like “Doug had Chris last year. He can’t have him again next year because his gift ideas make no sense.”
5. It is also referred to as a “Pollyanna.” WTF is Pollyanna?
6. The jealousy factor/The undeserving guy getting the good gift. Why does the guy who gets someone something awful every single year always seem to be the one who gets something awesome in return? Because Secret Santa sucks, that’s why.
Personally, I much prefer a grab bag. This way, you can control what you get by feeling out the item. And because you saw everyone put their gift in the bag, you can avoid people like Doug’s gift because you know it’ll be beat. Either that or you just get gifts for people you like and eff everyone else.
Chris Catalano runs Public Trashportation, you can follow them on Twitter @trashportation
