What is “Fuck You” Money, you ask? Fuck You Money (henceforth referred to as F.U.M.) is a certain level of wealth that basically allows you the ability to do whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want to, however you want to, for the rest of your life and then some – And if anybody has a problem with it, you can just say….
You get the idea. For the sake of argument, I will set my F.U.M amount at $1,000,000,000 USD. Or, as The Sultan Of Brunei calls it, “Hooker Money”:
1. Scrooge McDuck-esque Money Pool:
Why a pool you say? Because a whole vault would just be douchy. Also, I would probably need alot more money to fill a vault rather than a pool.
Maybe just an inflatable pool, come to think of it.
Either way, who hasn’t thought of having a SMD money pit at least once in their life? I’m almost positive, that every time Duck Tales came on I thought to myself “Wow, I’d sure like to have me one of those money vault things to swim around in”.
Sure, it would be impractical. Sure, the sheer logistics of swimming through a sea of gold coins just doesn’t add up. Sure, coins are as filthy as a Greg Giraldo roast session (RIP G.G.). I don’t care.
Look at this duck. LOOK AT HIM!!! He’s happier than a pig in shit. That’s the life, right there.
2. Live somewhere hot, in a Drug-Lord style Compound:
Living in a mansion is for suckers. Living on an “estate” is fine for Whitey VonWhitecollar, but I want to live like a Columbian drug lord from a 1980′s action flick. Here are the essentials:
- Make sure your pad is classified as a “compound”, it just sounds cooler. BUT make sure its not a religious compound. Those people are just scary. Gated, obviously.
- A gang of dudes in suits, rocking bad ass mustaches and packing AK-47′s. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, would make me feel safer.
- A hedge maze. Awesome.
- A “grato” style pool area, filled with scantily clad Latinas wearing those bikinis where the side straps went over their hips, looking like somebody gave them a melvin.
- A closet, nay – a walk in wardrobe hidden behind a bookshelf filled with linen suits and Panama Hats. Conveniently located adjacent to my walk in humidor and my white leather sandles.
- A helicopter. Absolutely, 100%, a MUST HAVE.
- A collection of the fastest, most obnoxious, sexiest cars you can find.
- A young Alyssa Milano locked in an empty room, as her father, John Matrix, hunts me down to save her and take his revenge on myself and my mustachio’d clan of goons.
…Wait… forget the last one.
3. Make it Rain, whenever, and wherever possible. Especially at inopportune/inappropriate times:
Making it rain is now part of our culture, thanks to Fat Joe, Lil Wayne and, to a lesser extent, PacMan Jones.
While they do it for strippers (and in PacMan’s case, punch them bitches in the mouth if they try to pick it up off the ground… silly strippers), I want to do it for EVERYTHING.
As far as I know there is no law for how you hand cash over to a merchant in exchange for goods or services. And lets be frank, money is money, so who’s going to turn down $5,000 in cash at Sears for a new stove, even if it is flying around in the air while loud rap music is blaring?
Here are some examples of when I would bring the precipitation:
- Paying the pizza delivery guy
- Buying a car
- Paying off all my debts
- Paying a cab driver
- Loaning money to friends (Note: for this one I may elect to get one of those booths that have an air compressor attached to them and make them work for it)
- Giving money to homeless people. Add some excitement (…. what…. It’s not like they’re going to read this article anyway…)
- Basically any transaction over $100.00
The only drawback I can see is having to carry around large amounts of cash all the time. But I can just pay some dude to do that for me. And if anybody has a problem with it… Fuck you *makes it rain*
4. Take big dent out of the “Fuck You” List:
Some people have a bucket list. You know, things they want to do before they’ve died.
Not me, oooooooh no, not me. I’ve got the “fuck you” list. A mental list of all the people in my life that I’ve not told to go fuck themselves for fear of burning bridges. Well, with F.U.M. you can not only burn bridges to the ground, but you can piss on the ashes.
Highschool English teacher? Fuck you!
Bosses? Fuck them too!
General voices of authority? They can get fucked too! (Note: Unless said voice of authority has the authority to throw you in jail)
The potential is endless. And the best part is you can combine this with #3, and give them a “Fuck you!” followed by a thunderstorm of cash. Then be out. That…simple.
5. Donate half of it to Stem Cell Research:
Because I’m not a total asshole, and because who really needs $1Billion anyway? I’ll be happy with $500,000,000. And I can give a big FUCK YOU! to a whole bunch of religious extremists in the process.
Its a win-win!
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