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Daniel Joseph

14 of the Manliest Things in The Universe

Posted By: on November 3, 2009
29

Look, we’re all men here on the Internet, right? Right! So let’s just get right down to the 14 manliest things in existence and call it a day. Cause that’s what men do… we get shit done!

manliest picture ever

1. Manly Explosions are Manly – Explosions are badass, and every guy knows it… that’s why Michael Bay put so many explosions into Transformers (1 and 2). If you tell me you just saw someone eat glass, I’d be like “eh, that’s cool, I guess,” but tell me something in the backyard is exploding and I’ll be there in a heartbeat, beer in hand.

source: unknown

source: unknown

2. Hot Chicks – Ok, so hot chicks aren’t manly, that would be gross, but being around hot chicks IS manly, so is having hot chick calendars, hot chick beach towels, mugs with hot chicks on ‘em, posters of hot chicks, and car magazines with hot chicks leaning on cars, preferably all in bikinis.

source: democraticunderground.com

source: democraticunderground.com

3. Bare Hands – Men don’t fuck around, we don’t have time to. If something needs to be done, we’ll do it. When the wife says, “Hey honey, we don’t have anymore gasoline for the lawnmower,” we say, “No problem, I’ll just rip that shit out with my bare hands.” Or when the girlfriend is all like, “I can’t change this flat tire because I lost the jack,” we just rip the lug nuts off with our bare hands.

source: dancingmood.com

source: dancingmood.com

4. Manly Beards are Manly – When you think of a manly man, what do you think of? Lumberjacks. Lumberjacks have beards for a reason, to protect their face from the cold when its 10-degrees below zero and they’re fighting polar bears and catching salmon and, of course, cutting down trees in the winter. So the next time you see a man with a great beard, compliment him, we need to stick together. By the way, you should add REDBEARD on facebook.

source: imgur.com

source: imgur.com

5. Manly Cars are Manly – We’re not talking about your Ford Focus or your Scion xB, we’re talking powerful and intimidating vehicles. We’re talking trucks so tall, you’ve got to use a ladder to get in it. We’re talking ’68 cherry red Camaros with racing stripes and an exhaust system that can wake up your parents (that live two states away from you).

source: cardomain.com

source: cardomain.com

6. Tools – We’re men and we use tools… for everything. Shit, just last week I used a hammer to open my car door just cause I felt like it. Whether it’s a chainsaw, a jackhammer, a wrench, or a screwdriver, we’re using it, and if we’re not using that, we’re using a sawzall, a nail gun, or a backhoe.

source: philramunno.com

source: philramunno.com

7. Balls – It’s pretty obvious men have balls. Now I’m talking literal balls and metaphorical balls. Ever watch a movie where a guy runs into a burning building to save a child? Or how about wrestling a shark cause it looked at you funny? These things take balls and that’s why men have ‘em.

source: laweekly.com

source: laweekly.com

8. Guns – Guns are basically like having a second penis. They’re powerful, they shoot, and girls are afraid of them. Not all guys want guns, but all men sure do.

source: openclipart.com

source: openclipart.com

9. Grilling – Men grill… or barbeque, they don’t bake, or “prepare.” Eff that noise. Something about using fire to conquer beasts and then teaching them a lesson by eating the shit out of them just reaches out to a man’s heart. And, we don’t stop at meat, we grill anything. Corn, pineapples, shoot, I even heard you can make a cake on a grill.

source: fitzbilt.com

source: fitzbilt.com

10. Beer – It has been referred to as the nectar of the gods, and for good reason. After a long day of working with tools and living off the land, a cold beer hits the spot better than anything. In fact, beer has been known to cure the common cold, athlete’s foot, and getting bitched at.

source: mybadpad.com

source: mybadpad.com

11. Manly Names are Manly – What’s your name? Betty? Samantha? Kristen? That’s not manly at all. That’s why men have manly names like Duncan Steel, Magnus Ver Magnusson, and Brock Lesnar. Our names define us… you really think someone’s is gonna want to mess with you if your name is Brick Rippley? Not a chance.

source: tutztutz.com

source: tutztutz.com

12. Football – Running into someone as fast as you possibly can with the intent of causing physical harm is manly. Badminton is not. Everything about football is manly really… tailgating (in trucks sometimes), grilling in the parking lot, drinking beers, watching hot chicks (cheerleaders), and getting loud as hell when someone almost takes another persons head off.

source: pileofphotos.com

source: pileofphotos.com

13. Manly Jobs are Manly – What’s manlier than being a glass chewer, a master beardsman, a truck juggler, a brick shitter, or a rodeo clown for sharks (via)? Not much.

source: imgur.com

source: imgur.com

14. Manly Movies are Manly – Let’s be honest, men only watch chick flicks if they’re trying to get some. To men, everything exists to entertain us, including movies, so when we choose what we wanna watch its usually something like Blazing Saddles, Army of Darkness, Braveheart, James Bond, Lethal Weapon, etc. In case you wanna know what other kind of movies men like, go here.

source: purposedriven.com

source: purposedriven.com

*Feel free to add your manly comments in the manly comments section below… it’s for men only!

29 Responses to “14 of the Manliest Things in The Universe”

  1. Adam says:

    Huh, no men out here but me i guess…

    Man I Rock!

  2. nanzinator says:

    pretty cliche article dont know what i expected…

  3. Chuck Norris isn't manly… manly is Chuck Norris.

  4. XX says:

    That was the dumbest thing I've ever read.

  5. Jack says:

    You suck at life. This article is F*d

  6. anon says:

    Hate to break it to you, but big ass trucks aren't manly, they're just redneck. And balls on your redneck truck just makes you a douchebag.

    Hell yeah to the other 12 things on this list though.

  7. Bloke says:

    …you are a certifiable genius!

    balls… haha are you serious?

    …are you also a redneck? and let me guess.. a teenager? step out of the darkages champ and stop calling your wife 'woman'.

  8. Face says:

    'Football' as you call it , is not manly. You wear an inch of protective clothing. Try making it more manly by removign the saftey wear ala rugby?

  9. russ says:

    hmmm… so this was written by a guy (Daniel Joseph) who has 2 first names for his name, and he photoshopped himself into the first pic… my guess is that his wife, Suzi Brenda, found out about this posting and those are Daniel Joseph's balls hanging from the truck, (no photoshop necessary).

  10. WB says:

    Reading this article is like being bukkaked with stupid… Whoever wrote this is almost indisputably a dumbass teenager who thinks it's cool to be a complete redneck, or glorifies his own dad (who is probably a huge redneck).

  11. Wentworth Rock-chest says:

    I may not be manly enough to leave comments, my penis only just reaches my knee

  12. strike when ready says:

    Your an unoriginal dumbass…ever hear of Maddox? I'm going to assume you have seen his site and/or read his book, and were banking on the hope that no one else has heard of him. I mean, yea, you did add some of your own "original manly things" to this list…but they werent as manly as they were redneck, and stupid.

    your not original and your not funny…quit while your still only marginally behind

  13. mishele says:

    Just as I suspected, men don't think women really exist. Unfortunately women are too in touch with reality to pretend men don't exist, though we often wish we could. No, we love you big apes although you are destructive children. I've always said that men are not happy unless they are destroying something and making a big noise, and I have yet to be disproved. You guys should thank God for our hormones – otherwise we would have gotten rid of you long ago.

  14. Shingle says:

    I thought it was funny! Come on guys you don't have to post such negative comments. Must be a bunch of fat/ugly people!

  15. r4i says:

    Yeah right. Put some padding on any rugby player you can think of and place him in an American football game. He would get his ass kicked. Every thirty seconds.

  16. jimbo says:

    wow all you guys are like women, your complaining! its for fun jeez. just take it like you all took it last night from the rear and enjoy. <—- (for whoever is complaining about it)

  17. BIG HOOKA says:

    Every person complaining about this article must be a woman. WHY ARE SO MANY FEMALES READING THIS, YOU SHOULD BE COOKING FOR A MAN SOMEWHERE… wtf?

    Enough of the whining about this article it was greatness best shit since maddox, everyone should love it or their opinion sucks.. period ..

  18. Hmm Really says:

    #1 oughta be "Being a Dad." It's manly to make babies but also to raise them how you want them to be. So they're manly too. Unless they're a chick. Then teach them what kind of manly man to look for.

  19. You know this made me think of a quote. It's something like: "All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." Ralph Waldo Emerson

  20. M>W says:

    Now would you take a look at that. Only a whore feminist would write

    [hmmm… so this was written by a guy (Daniel Joseph) who has 2 first names for his name, and he photoshopped himself into the first pic… my guess is that his wife, Suzi Brenda, found out about this posting and those are Daniel Joseph’s balls hanging from the truck, (no photoshop necessary).]

  21. Manimal says:

    Do you all know what is NOT manly? Taking offense to and bitching about this list. Go stuff in another manpon you weaklings!

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  23. Hey, very nice website. I actually came across this on Ask Jeeves, and I am stoked I did. I will definately be coming back here more often. Wish I could add to the conversation and bring a bit more to the table, but am just absorbing as much info as I can at the moment.

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  24. Juliana says:

    Let me represent all woman-kind and proclaim that this post is typical, silly, man-shit.

  25. Megan Fox is very hot! I seriously fall in love with her.

  26. Mitch Gaudet says:

    Meat is manly, bacon, steak and ribs.. What could be manlier?

  27. Anders says:

    Well, cool list – but what you cal "football" is not manly at all. It is not manly to charge someone in full body kevlar armor… and what is that? A HELMET? Do you eat with that helmet too?

    Try changing it with rugby if you want to have a contact sport involving a ball.

  28. Kirby's and Hel says:

    I REFUSE TO BE MANIPULATED BY MY AUTISM!!! IT CANT HAVE THIS MUCH POWER. ITS NOT FAIR. I WANNABE A GIRLY GIRL DAMN IT

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